Tuesday, December 9, 2008

cold update

Just thought I'd update for anyone reading this outside of Canada (can't think of who that may be, but who knows) about the season.

It's winter, officially. How do I know this? Well my truck has been a frozen block in the parking lot for 48 hours, covered in a grey-coloured frost. It looks like it has freezer burn. Someone told me it reached -40 at some point over the last two days. I believe them. It's nothing to be shocked about, but that first inhale of -40 air each winter does produce that sensation.

I pulled my hockey gear out of my inanimate vehicle yesterday and the whole bag was frozen stiff. A big chunky block. It took minutes to squeeze it through the broken 4-runner passenger seat that barely bends forward. The material of the hockey bag sounded like a thick paper bag crumpling. I grabbed at my composite sticks and they burned and stung the flesh on my fingers. "DAMN!" Hockey was a little painful, as I only had about 45 minutes to thaw my shit out.

For some reason, when it gets this cold -- I'm talking hand-gets-stuck-to-your-keys-cold -- whenever I walk past a light post or a road sign, I have this sick urge to stick my tongue to it. I have no explanation. It makes me cringe. I watched a kid lose his tongue on a slide when I was five and the image has never left me. He was crying. He ripped his face from the frozen object at -40. There was blood all over the snow, the slide and the kids face. And he was just screaming.

Also when I was young, I would often wonder if you could see steam coming from your ass when you farted in frigid temperatures. I got a friend to watch once. You don't fart steam. So if you see me smiling gleefully in -40, maybe stay a few steps away... at least till the smile subsides.

Took the Frankenstein cables to the beast tonight and got her running after two days of inactivity. Took her out for a ride and filled her up. Guess what? Gas is under a buck in Yk! Amazing. Of course, I took the beast to the only station that was still over a buck because it was the only spot I could get a corndog. Mindy spoke about watching gas prices go over that milestone number back when he was working the Truckstop in Enterprise years ago.

It's about g'damn time.

So I had to stock up on candies, scratch-n-win tickets and corndogs to make up for all the money I was saving.

northern twist to musical staples

On Tuesdays, I do these things called ATNs at work. Basically, they are 100-word briefs about events, programs, hunts, and just about anything neat or noteworthy going on in communities in the Sahtu and Tlicho regions of the NWT.

My office

So I'm staring at community names in the phonebook like Tulita and Gameti all day, and with the mind singly devoted to puns, I start singing songs in my head...

Da-du-du-du-da-du-da-du... Tulita (you know, that Tequila song)

I'm singing that one at volleyball tonight and Mindy hears and so we start to try to come up with different community names stuck inside southern standards.

Here we go:

"Deh Cho, Where you going with that gun in your hand?" (Hey Joe - Hendrix... you can also put in Tlicho or Behchoko)

"Eleanor Wrigley"... Nice one, Mindy.

"I'm not the Gameti I used to be" (I think it's a K-OS song?) Or "Gameti-ville" that shitty Eminem song.

"Cuz I'm Tuk in the middle with you" from Reservoir Dogs

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me... Sahtu-k it to me..." - Aretha

"You gotta fight for your right to Whati!" - the Beasties

Okay... I'll stop.

Feel free to leave your own.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

thanks Sean

I've delved into my disdain for this individual before, but something new came to light today and I can't help myself.

Not only does he hit a proportionate amount of smaller players while some how maintaining a tough guy moniker, have a dopey verb named after him that gets thrown around more than midgets at bars in the 70s, get severely overrated by the media as an all-around player when he's a total defensive liability (-10, that's good for 706th out 715 NHL players), talks and shoves a lot in scrums but not back it up, smokes when he's a role model athlete to kids (looks he's doing a lot better with the ladies now that he's rich), is a Calgary Flame and is singularly responsible for child poverty in Africa (okay I'm pushing it), but...

It doesn't even look like she's having fun.

it also turns out that Dion "I push around Europeans" Phaneuf falls in love with sloppy seconds.

I'm sorry, Elisha.


P.S. Bring it, Jung

Sunday, November 30, 2008

a day for the ravens

With all the warm weather recently, Yellowknife has been sort of white-washed or grey-painted as each day, overcast skies dump layer after layer of snow on the ground and keep temperatures from reaching the nose-tip numbing bitterness I'm used to this time of year.

As a result, there seems to be a colourlessness to the days, like the visual volume is turned down or Ned Flanderized. There is nothing bold and no contrast out there.

I went for a bit of a drive Saturday and maybe due to all the white covering the city, the propensity and activities of the ravens really stood out to me.

I am fascinated by the birds. I did some research a while back and it turns out young ravens are some of the most curious creatures currently on Earth and will try anything once. They're very attracted to shiny objects. But something happens to a raven over the course of its life... Old ravens become neophobic and are terrified to try anything unusual.

I wonder what it is?

The slightly gusty Saturday was truly a day for the ravens.

Pulling through the Timmy's drive-thru, a furry bird with his share of scruffy feathers under his beak, had his neck tucked in to its body, huddled on the ground next to the spot where drivers picked up their food goods from the window. The raven looked as if it was studying how this process worked -- watching as people rolled up to the cashier and exchanged shiny things for pieces of food -- some of which he had probably tasted while picking through the contents of the dumpster behind the building. It bobbed up and down as each car left and new one took its place. He looked like he was really enjoying himself, like a little kid that takes to a game and won't let you stop because it gets such a kick out of it. The raven eyed up the driver. He opened his mouth, as if to mimic the drivers speech. I wanted to jump outside, scoop him up, sit him in the passenger seat and explain how the whole thing worked.

Anyways, I drove away and actively searched ravens out as I meandered through town.

Some of the black birds crow-hopped through parking lots, skipping from one spill in the snow to another to taste test. Others ransacked a bag of garbage beside the highway, like hyenas picking apart a long dead zebra.

I chuckled as every second street light or telephone pole or building corner or ledge held an inquisitive raven, just hanging out, watching scattering and scurrying humanity below, calmly from its detached viewpoint above. I imagined them scrawling observations on notepads, jotting down sketches of what was going on below them, learning something new about those goofy two-legged mammals that did all those crazy things.

I really admire the intelligence and humour of ravens -- the way they work together to solve problems, like breaking into dumpsters. I've watched them play tricks on people in winter. After a big snow fall, they will wait out on a particularly snowy ledge and when a person or another animal walks underneath unsuspecting, they will dump some snow down on them. I can swear a see a smile and a laugh after. I've seen ravens reek havoc on sled dogs, stealing their food after the handlers scoop food into their bowls. The dogs go crazy, tied to their small homes with ropes and the ravens hop away with their food locked in their beaks. Ravens stash golfballs at the golf course (it's not a myth -- I've seen it first hand.) 

They can also mimic sounds. After a day full of sirens and ambulances and fire trucks and speeding tickets one downtown afternoon last week, I was walking down Range back to work and heard a raven -- perched on a rail in the parkade -- sounding out the siren ("boop"  "boop"). It was so strange! There is a raven behind my parent's house in the summer that sounds like a frog. 

Watching these birds, I started to believe that if I had to face off with a raven in a chess match, I would probably get creamed in four moves. And when I left to go get a bite from the pantry, his buddies would have pillaged it.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like ravens are also becoming more brazen these days. I never remembered seeing a raven standing on a vehicle when I was a kid. Nowadays, they scratch their feet all over the roofs of cars or prop up on bumpers or hitches. And they don't run as quickly as they used to when you approach. That's not true. They do run, or hop away, now. But they used to fly. I think all their note-taking on lampposts is to blame.

I wondered what ravens ate before there was garbage. I wondered where ravens went to die.

Making my way downtown, I watched the ravens swoop into the air madly with updrafts of wind sweeping up the side of Northern Heights. They dipped and dived and then -- whoosh -- back up five stories or so when their wings opened to take in the air. They played. They chased each other like World War I planes dogfighting. I've always wanted to feel the exhilaration of that flight in the wind, as they do at the cliffs by Jackfish Lake or Back Bay in the summer time. It's always something I've wanted to know.

And after seeing all this adventure and resourcefulness and activity on such a bland looking afternoon, I suddenly became very jealous of the ravens, as I sat at a shiny red light in downtown Yellowknife, stuck to the ground in my 21 year old 4-Runner.

Shiny things were not attractive to the young man on Saturday afternoon in Raven Town.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

becoming something i never thought i would

Big day for me today. I got a call from a local business asking me about a friend they were considering for a job.

Can't help but laugh. Yes, me. The man who searched so recently, so desperately for references just a year or so ago had now become one. 

I think that was one of the oddest conversations I've ever had. You don't want to lie and you want to help the applicant because you think they will genuinely do a good job, and it's just bizarre trying to talk about the helpfulness of the applicant without sounding too eager, or douchebaggy.

Anyways, it went well, although I started to ramble and talk in circles and tell a horrible Barry White joke that I'm not sure was appropriate (my friend is applying for a computer help desk job over the telephone and I said he'd smooth over any frustrated caller with his deep Barry White voice).

"Hey baby... Ohhh Yeaahhhh... Now I just want you to turn that router off. Yeah, just like that.... Now go on and take off them pants... Ohhh Yeaaahhhh baby...."

Not sure if there's some kind of reference call protocol or etiquette.

Good luck, Mac D.

Monday, November 24, 2008

day after tournament torture

Back from Hay River and forgetting about the destroyed left arm that was crunched into the boards backwards away from my body by a large defenseman as I was reaching for a puck; the charlie horse above my ass from getting slew-footed in front of the net Friday night and having my pant pad jab me; a burnt left hand brought on by a brief bout of fried-chicken deprived shakes on Saturday night that turned a large cup of French Vanilla coffee into a canister of napalm that left a mark on me; and my Mr. Burns legs that had to be hefted into Slader's truck with my arms, I feel great.

Four games in three days -- five if you count Thursday. Lotsa, lotsa hockey. Tied the first, won the next two and then lost the last game by one. Should have been different that last one, but I missed a gimme and two other beauty chances. It felt great to grind out a couple games though, particularly after becoming so accustomed to losses so far this year.

On a personal note, I felt like I played really well the first two games, but completely got my ass kicked in the third and fourth games. I couldn't backcheck and I ended up watching a lot of goals get scored while coasting in panting at the blue line. I've been trying to work on my all-around play since getting duty at centre, but those two games were definitely a low point. I lost my will. It's funny how that happens. When you're down by a goal, tied, or up by one, everything seems so much harder. But when you get up by three, you feel like you could skate for days.

Also, it was kind of neat to play in front of people. For our games against Hay River, it felt like a lot of the town came out and kids were running around with hockey sticks, playing makeshift games with crushed up beer cans. During some big 'A' division games (I should qualify our tournament -- we played 'B') the bleachers were nearly packed. It definitely felt like a community event and I'm sure all the players appreciated it. I love that arena too. It looks and smells old. But vintage old, not decrepit.

The weekend was definitely not only about hockey though, as Hay River and the boys we picked up to play with us once again proved more than hospitable -- I'm gonna have to get some memory foam pillows after staying in the guest room a friend's mom prepared Friday night. Hay Riverites know how to party and each time I've been there for this tournament or for baseball, there has never been a shortage of things to do. This year, it was rockin barefeet at a house party, tossing gloves and the odd empty beer can into a ceiling fan and trying to control where they went, and watching a mortified young lady get razzed after she "plunked a deucey" that plugged the toilet.

The five and a half hour drive back to Yellowknife was painful but not just from the hockey torture. There were a few times I hurt from laughing.

Monumental human questions were posed like "Where did the saying lukewarm come from?" or "If you're last name was Gibson, would you call your kid Giblet?"

Mindy and I spent an hour of the drive deliriously creating the fictional life of Dwarfton Dwarfton III, from upper-Dwarfton in the Province of Dwarfton. He became the 45th President of the United States -- and first president dwarf -- amongst many other things. He carries an axe and traps things and loves Battlestar Gallactica. He has seventeen brothers and sisters, all named Dwarfton Dwarfton. 

Also, I have a new favourite accent, loosely based on a guy named Bill Gibson, who Slader and Keegs impersonated earlier in the weekend and then Mindy and I over-slaughtered: "Let's play some heeeee-key."

The best/worst though was the Grey Cup broadcast, which although entertaining, featured the worst selection of ads ever assembled. The small local station from Montreal must have only gotten a few minutes to sell ad space, because they had just three commercials throughout the entire four hour broadcast... and two were for radio programs on their station. The other was an ad for Brault and Martineau, some furniture company in Quebec who -- I had singed into my brain for life -- "take care of you." 

By the end of the Grey Cup, I could repeat the ad nearly verbatim. We began placing bets on what order they would play the ads.

It was demonic. It felt like some Satanic plot to wear down the customer. I was starting to think homicide. I felt like anyone tuning into this broadcast would back me up and testify on my behalf, that these three people (two hosts and one voice guy) needed to be stopped. We talked about how both radio personalities and the furniture ad guy would be found dead and no one would tie the murders together until someone who listened to the broadcast (most likely driven to check themselves in to an insane asylum or something) phoned in and explained the whole ordeal.

The Montreal Alouettes lost the 96th Grey Cup 22 - 14 to the Calgary Stampeders last night. In a completely unrelated story, 73 Brault & Martineau stores were firebombed across the province...

A few of the best lines pulled from the weekend:

"How would you feel if the porno you starred in was only being sold for $4.95? How are you supposed to take that?" - Binio after an ad for adult toys and videos (starting at just $4.95!!!) on Sirius radio, somewhere between Kakisa and Enterprise.

"I killed a girl and I liked it."  - parody of that Katie Perry song. The running joke of the tourney about Mac T's 1984 blunder. (I really do feel like Satan is probably fluffing my syphilis pillows on the bed my mouth is starting to make for myself in hell.)

"That was my first goal in 15 years." - Slader after popping the game-winner against the Tlicho Warriors, his first goal since the minor hockey days.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Excellent!

Yes, Wayne. Herbiberous is feeling most excellent again.

Hey all you out there on the interweb. I know the last post was sort of a tonal shift here on Slingin Lingo, and for that I apologize. You do not come here for sad rants. You come here for corny jokes.

As well, to address the declining number of posts, I'm feeling a little burnt out when I get home, and after sitting in front of a computer all day, writing words, words, words, and trying to fix 'em together coherently in an orderly fashion to purty up my stories, sometimes the last thing I want to do is turn on the computer and write. Sometimes I'm finding my brain is drying up of ideas worse than an old lady's... umm... mouth after smoking a big doobie? (I also apologize to anyone I haven't responded to through email. I seem only to be capable of responding in two sentence, facebook wall posts... It's kind of pathetic.)

Anyways, I just spent a very satisfying week with friends, past, present, future, scored a beauty at hockey tonight (amazing breakaway pass from PH) and am set to head out to Hay River for a hockey tournament this weekend with a stellar group of compadres. Things are looking up and I'm starting to get that bounce back in the step.

I hope this weekend rejuvenates the old bones here and I come back an energetic young biberous.

Party On!