luge, bobsleigh, skeleton... you're cut

I've had just about the craziest month and a bit I can remember. It's like non-stop.

I went onto here today to write something and realized I had a couple rants that I failed to publish during the recent madness. So I apologize for the tardiness and now-irrelevance of this rant, but what the fuck...

(Funny to look back in hindsight less than once month later and realize how quickly we move on from the Olympics and how I couldn't tell you the names of the gold medalists in bobsleigh. I bet you couldn't either. Don't go google it either.)

From the vaults (written Feb. 19, 2010):

Let's go back. Waaaaaaay back. Back when I was slinging muck in Iqaluit. At that time, I was speaking with some Frozen Grapes at length about Olympic events that needed to go. Hammer toss, you were there. Skeet shooting, I remember seeing you hovering around. I think water polo even made an appearance.

Anyhow, after having a couple beers with a new friend of mine following work, and surveilling the ubiquitously ubiquitous Olympic coverage, I am ready to add bobsleigh, luge and skeleton to that list.

Now don't immediately get up in arms about this, I'm going to rationally explain how I came to this decision.

As a disclaimer, I'm not discounting the abilities that these athletes have in these pseudo-sports. Bobsleigh, luge and skeleton Olympians are the best in the world at the bobsleigh, luge and skeleton. There is no doubt about that. But my big beef is that I'm sure there are better potential lugers out there somewhere and the real reason these guys are competing for medals is because only one percent of one percent of one percent of people have ever even thought about giving the luge a try, and maybe one percent of one percent of those people have actually given it a shot. Are you telling me that these bobleighers and lugists could seriously beat Lebron James or Usain Bolt or Alex Ovechkin if they were given a luge and a couple hours? I think not. These people are Olympians by default. They were failed basketball or hockey or track stars, so they wound up doing bobsleigh and luge and skeleton.

Again, I'm not taking anything away from these people. I saw that Georgian dude get killed and I watched skeletoner(?) after skeletoner get the shit kicked out of them on that course. Really, that sport takes balls and a few loose screws. But it brings to light a problem I have with the winter Olympics in general - namely, the athletes there are the best in the world at what they do, but only due to monetary or climatic factors. The truest and greatest athletes are probably not competing. In the summer Olympics, the fastest runners and swimmers face off against each other. It doesn't matter where you grow up, if you are a fast runner, you are a fast runner and you are going to move up through the ranks.

It's not like that with skiing or hockey. How many people are immediately eliminated from ever being an Olympic skier, based on where they grew up or how much money their family had. Maybe some kid growing up in the Prairies was born with all the innate gifts it takes to be a superstar skier, but they lived thousands of miles from any sort of incline they could ride down on skis? Or what about the poor kid in a city who has the required strength and skill to be a hockey player, but can't afford the pricey gear and registration? Who really knows who the best lugist is? What do you need to be a luger? Explosive speed and balance? The best short distance sprinter/acrobat could be skateboarding somewhere in Canada right now, or could be sitting on an apartment step in Jamaica. Who knows?

So that's why I watch these things and find them entertaining for a while, but I'm not 100 percent sold we're seeing the best of the best...

What's with the goofy events?

I apologize in advance for the long-winded Olympic rant to follow. It might be overkill after the 13,578,943-word basketball handicapping column, however I feel the time will never again be appropriate to to speak on the following:

What's the deal with the events they pick for inclusion in the Olympics?

The topic came up Saturday at the pub, with the ubiquitous games on TVs in every corner of the establishment. 

And tonight, I felt validated, just having seen a report about how many empty seats there were at the Beijing games for various events. Well, no shit. 

Take a look at some of the ridiculous 'sports' they have in there...

Synchronized swimming. 

I can only imagine that it's the slow kids who played by themselves at recess that get together to form synchronized swim teams.

The Steeplechase.

At one point, runners jump over a hurdle into a big puddle of water... I can only postulate that there is some sort of historical significance of this race? Like the retreat of King Charles I in 1642, fleeing to safety in Essex over hurdles and through ponds? There's gotta be some back story...

Table tennis. (Why not foosball? Or Pac-Man? Or quarters?)

Billy Mitchell: Olympic Gold-Medalist and world record holder in Pac-Man. Legally changed his initials from BM to USA

I know this is getting into winter, but bobsleigh. 

One percent of one percent of one percent of the world's population has probably only ever set their eyes on a bobsleigh course. What is the rationale behind having such a sparsely played sport in the Olympics?

And perhaps most glaring, the Hammer Toss.

Hammer tossing hasn't been relevant since the Hammer Bros. rocked the shit at the Seoul Olympics in '88 (pictured above)

My buddy Chris spoke with great disdain about the event and can't understand why there are four throwing events in the games (javelin, discuss, shot put and the hammer toss).

I couldn't agree more and after a lengthy discussion, we eventually decided that there should be but one event: the rock toss. We came to this conclusion because everyone in the world throws rocks -- including those who live in glass houses (even though they shouldn't).

Competitors would even be allowed to bring their own rock from home for the event.

"Team Palestine comes into this Olympics as the heavy favourites in the rock throw, Bob."

"You got it, Dick. They just start training at such a young age over there."

As we were talking about all this Saturday, magically Canada's water polo match popped up onto the screen. 

Now talk about a goofy sport (and watching it with the sound off makes it that much goofier, because I have no idea what penalties consist of or how the game is supposed to be played). It looked kind of like lacrosse, with 6 or so on each team. Everyone is constantly treading water, passing the ball around like handball. There is a little penalty area that perps have to swim and tread water inside.  Players finally try to whip the ball past the dope who plays goal. The goalie flails his arms and closes his eyes as the ball comes at him and sometimes gets hit in the face  to stop the ball.

The slo-mo has the greatest facial expressions of any sport I've ever seen. The players wear these bathing caps that look like baby bonnets. The whole game just appears to be one big exercise in awkwardness. The unintentional comedy is through the roof.

 

Yet, it's brutally rough, it's high-scoring and actually kind of entertaining. The face-off is like dodgeball where both teams swim like hell to get the ball floating at the centre of the pool. To tell you the truth, I have no idea why more people don't play this. It looks like it would be one of those games that would turn unhealthily competitive in two minutes if you and 7 or 8 of your buddies started playing it. Someone would be bleeding from their nose after two possessions.

Not a bad idea. He takes up a lot of room and naturally floats.

I'm gonna go on record as saying that water polo is my new favorite Olympic sport.

Then there is the equestrian, and Canada's Ian Miller competing at the age of 98. 

I'm sorry. I'm all about the elderly making contributions to society, but any 'sport' where a competitor over the age of 60 can win a gold medal, needs to be immediately removed.

Solutions:

We brainstormed some ideas to vamp up a couple of these events and make them a bit more watchable. Say you could implement cool requirements of athletes from these 'sports' to make them more entertaining.

Like how about a D-Cup minimum on female pole-vaulters?

Ashlee Simpson is knocking that bar down every time...

Or a 600-pound minimum for riders in the equestrian? 

If they International Olympic Committee is going to pander to the elderly (Ian Miller), why not the morbidly obese? Plus, we'd get to watch all those PETA morons embarrass themselves protesting the games.

Or have the tossers launch hammers at the steeplechasers?

Or have skeet shooting come out of the bedroom and replace the boring, archaic gun version?

Just some thoughts...

Oh, one more thing... The first installment of Herbiberous' irrational hatred, where I take someone (or thing) that I irrationally hate and try to explain it unsuccessfully.

Irrational hatred #1: Michael Phelps.

No one should ever get that excited. He made Kevin Garnett look like a furbie.

Okay, buddy. You're a great swimmer. You've done a heck of a job marketing yourself. But 8 gold medals? Congratulations, you gigantic doucher, you're the epitome of the hypocrisy of the Olympic games. There is something pathologically selfish and egoist about announcing before hand that you want 8 gold medals, without a hint of humility. It seems like such a perversion of the Olympic spirit. And the media is just eating it up.

I'm sick of watching you hold your heart during the national anthem for the second, third time. You don't even look like you're enjoying it. You're not supposed to get used to that feeling. It's ho-hum to you.

Maybe I'm just bitter because he'll end up with more golds than our entire country will medals.

Mens basketball update:

August 10, 2008

Germany 95 - Angola 66

USA 101 - China 70

We moved apartments last week. Oil Can just threw a hammer at me.

Herbiberous