clay davis + deerhunter's bradford cox = 30 seconds of heaven

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIITTT-Lia

10 things i learned about sports tonight

It was a moderately noteworthy night in Montreal sports here, with the TIM HORTON'S Heritage Classic and all, so I met a couple friends at one of the city's best (read: cheapest) sports bars, located in the heart of the gay village (read: correctly.)

It's been a while since I sat down in front of a wall of television screens at the Sports Station for a good ole fashioned night of sports osmosis. We were surrounded by acronyms - NHL, NBA All-Stars, WWE, ATP - and even some bass fishing superstars, as they all scrapped it out for screen supremacy and after my fair share of the brews from our $16 4-L pitchers and a $7 burger combo, I feel like I learned some things tonight and since I nearly died on my way home, with Sherbrooke from Lafontaine to Papineau basically one malicious strip of ice, I realized how fragile life is and, therefore, how important it is that I pass on these vital tidbits.

So with that: a TOP 10 LIST!

10. Canadian tennis fans have a reason to be excited

Even though he lost to Andy Roddick in the finals of some garbage tournament tonight, this Milos Raonic kid really has some juice. Now I know that no one cares about tennis, but if you haven't watched it in a while, well, there's a Canadian who can win a tournament with his serve now. A friend of mine who is a nationally-ranked player has a whole lot of good stuff to say about this guy, so I'm gonna go ahead and co-sign.

9. Two of the NBA's ten best players look like Wire characters

Now maybe you can tally this up to the fact that I've been deep into the Wire these last few days, but while watching the first half of the NBA All-Star game tonight, I couldn't help but think that two of the league's best players look a lot like the leaders of Baltimore's West Side.

Avon Barksdale = Kevin Durant

Stringer Bell = Amar'e Stoudamire

Come on, admit it. I'm right. They both look alike? Don't they?

I couldn't stop seeing the parallels while I watched, but maybe keep in mind that I'm the same guy that said Jacques Martin looks like Fievel from Fievel Goes West and that one of my buddy's mom's looks like Canadian Olympic curler Russ Howard.

I apologize.

8. Lenny Kravitz is still alive

I couldn't believe it either. Somehow he wiggled his way into the NBA All-Star starting line-up intros and it seemed like he was on TV for like 15 minutes. The All-Star game was muted so I couldn't hear what he was playing, but let me guess...

American Woman, followed by Are You Gonna Go My Way, followed by Fly Away.

Either way, the entire time he was on screen we were trying to remember the chick he used to be banging.

7. Kobe Bryant is totally unlikeable

What made him less palatable: the mock sincerity and humility he showed when shaking Bill Russell and Ms. Bill Russell's hands court side or him jacking up like a bazillion first half shots in the All-Star game?

Kobe, we know the game is in your house. We know you want to win MVP in front of the home crowd. We know you are the two-time defending champ. But damn man, let the game come to you and take over later. You don't need to drop 21 in the first half on like 30 shots. People are gonna defer to you later, because they semi-respect you.

Come on!

(P.S. I only watched the first half.)

6. Andy Roddick is bald

Cheap shot, but on the last point of his championship set against Raonic, he dove and his hat fell off. He hit the beauty winner, but it was revealed that he is Ryan Getzlaf/Herc from the Wire bald. I wouldn't have noticed it, except he reacted oddly to the situation. Instead of celebrating a championship won on an amazing winner, he rushed to put his hat on and then got up somewhat hesitantly and put his hands in the air, relieved. All in all, it was very unRoddick-like.

I laughed to myself... until I remembered he's banging Brooklyn Decker.

And then I ordered myself another drink.

5. Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta are pansies

Guys, it's -10C, you don't need to be doing the whole balaclava, over-the-ears get-up for the game just because it's outside. I mean, Brent Sutter and Fievel didn't even cover their ears, but you guys felt it suitable to dress like you were skidooers in Yellowknife. I think that right there says enough about the Habs' toughness this year.

4. Jerry Lawler is a face *

Somehow, Jerry "Burger King" Lawler is a face?!?!? WHAT? How could anyone ever cheer for this guy? It's been 18 years and I still don't forgive him for this...

Lawler got what was coming to him tonight though. He got beat down hard by the Miz.

Note: Who would have thought that in 2011 Jerry "the King" Lawler would be capable of a 15-minute main event match and Bret "the Hitman" Hart would be walking around like a fragile relic.

Note #2: WWE, listen to me, you've got to stop doing that Wrestlemania board promo thing. They keep shooting people with this camera angle so that this gigantic Wrestlemania board hanging in the rafters appears behind them and it's so obvious they are only doing it so they can use it later in promos. It probably looked cool the first time they did it, but they're doing it for every match.

Note #3: I realized tonight that the WWE is all about branding. That's it. Catch phrases and finishers and that's it. I bet some of the best and most creative ad execs grew up as wrestling fans.

Note #4: My buddy huuuuuuh-Reeeehn sums up Lawler's old school appeal perfectly: "How ridiculous is the one piece unitard? What the fuck?"

Note #5: Did you know that Triple H has a movie coming out?

Check this:

Is that curly haired kid the evolution of the ginger from the Big Green. Man, talk about a crap sandwich. I actually can't wait to see this thing. Bad Movie Marathon Entry #1.

3. RDS hockey exists with Joel Bouchard's hair

Maybe the most disappointing part of the evening: RDS covered up Joel Bouchard's hair during tonight's game. I didn't think I could watch a Habs game here without seeing Joel Bouchard's rubbery, unnatural doo.

If I had paid money to watch the game, I would have asked for it back.

Apparently the Habs weren't all that impressed either, because they chose to drop that gigantic coiler out there tonight. To be truthful though, it didn't seem like people were all that fired up for tonight's game.

Note: By the way, search 'Joel Bouchard' on google images and I guarantee you will not find a more out-of-er results for a quasi-celebrity. You would expect the kind of 'passed out, looking gonzo' results that come up from a good friend's facebook photos, not from a 'respected' professional hockey commentator.

2. Lebron is illuminati

Or maybe he was just shouting out his boy Jay-Z. Or showing off his favourite geometric shape.

Nah, I'm gonna go with the secret society angle. Oh Lebron, I saw it. You guys were all dancing around during your introductions and you were goofing around until, right at the end, you threw up the diamond sign right before the cameras panned away.

As the message board fanatics say "in before the illuminati shitstorm/"

Yep, we have irrefutable proof that Lebron supports the globalists' agenda, people. Lebron, like illuminati brothers Jay-Z and Eminem and Diamond Dallas Paige, is just a puppet in the Rockefeller and Rothchild plan for global enslavement.

DDP - Drive Down Proletariat?

1. Do not cut from a Habs game to Bass fishing in Montreal

The Sports Station in the Village has about 40 flat-screens pasted to the walls. When I arrived, 90 percent of the TVs had the Habs-Flames game, with the remaining screens showing the end of the Roddick-Raonic match. Once that ended, they all went to the hockey game. At one point, during the second period, the manager of the bar decided to throw the NBA All-Star game on because someone had asked.

Unfortunately, the manager wasn't paying too much attention because he threw on a bass fishing show. I didn't notice, because I was facing a wall with seven flat-screens, but the people facing me starting making a scene since two of their three screens were showcasing a snake slithering through some water.

The manager came over and reassured everyone that he was trying to put on the basketball game, but the bass fishing continued and, with the game still close, people started to lose their patience. At one point, the fisherman's line tensed up like he caught something and we all started to cheer. He reeled the puppy in and his buddy scooped it up in the net. The fisherman grabbed the fresh-water fish and posed with it and we all went crazy. The manager got the picture and he quickly turned the game back on.

Sadly, that was probably the only thing that Habs fans got to cheer about tonight.

* Sports Entertainment tidbit

walking conscious

If I ever find a serious job, I think I'll have to get it written into my contract that I can't be held responsible for any tardiness, absenteeism or poor job performance caused by the sleep I've lost from viewing the Wire. As an addict would say, I'm powerless to fight it. I just started re-watching it online - at sidereel.com - and ever since, I've been crashing later and later and even getting up super early every morning to check the next episode (you know, cause Megavideo understands the Wire's potency and only allows you to watch it in 72-minute intervals. It makes you confront reality for at least 30 minutes before letting you jump back in again.) Even though I know Kima's going to get shot or Wallace is on his way back to the West Side pit, I can't help sitting through it and that pushes my departure time from the apartment back further and further every morning.

On Friday, I pushed it the furthest I have yet. I didn't even notice what time it was when the episode ended and so when I saw it was 9:40, I nearly lost my shit. I've got a 35-minute walk to work and I was still laying in bed. So I hustle-bustled and was out the door in my gigantic winter coat, forgetting of course that it had rained the entire day previously, meaning it was like +5C and Montreal was a gigantic puddle concealing a sheet of ice.

Being late, I sped-walked to work, but any time I thought I'd save and all the effort I was exerting was wasted on a decision I made to cut through Parc Lafontaine. Terrible idea. The 'snow' was ice, covered with slush and water. It was messy and the sidewalks and paths are all 'code level: orange' dangerous, in Homeland Security talk.

I'm kind of frustrated because I'm late and I'm sliding all over the place like Bambi learning to walk on ice. (obscure reference?) I'm rushing and slipping and worrying about whether today would be the day I caught shit from my superiors, Ervin Burrell-style, but every step I take flushes those thoughts away because the ground is so awkward and potentially hazardous that I have to concentrate on where to drop my feet to make sure I don't fall.

It's really odd to be conscious of walking. It really is. It's something that I take for granted. Each step put me on precarious ground, so I had to use all my conscious thought to carefully navigate each stride. But after a while, I came to the realization that I didn't know how that would help, since I could predict where my foot would land, but there was no way to know exactly how it would feel once it went down and how that would affect my balance. It was like I was trying to be conscious of something that I still wasn't completely in control of because my body was going to self-adjust regardless of what I did intentionally.

It was a bizarre distraction, that I forgot immediately once I got to the thawed and cleared sidewalks.

I can see now though why those robotics engineers have so much trouble creating robots that can walk, because they have to calculate each variable and adjust for that and it's something that's programmed into us without us even being completely aware.

Anyways, I got to work and went from walking on ice to walking on eggshells. No one seemed to know I was late and so I guess I'll be pushing the limit again on Monday.

clay davis

One day, I believe I may actually be able to quantify how amazing the Wire is and how it has turned me into even a bigger cynic than I already am... I think anyone who cares about politics or who is involved in any aspect of the media should immediately bunker down and consume each and every episode for its breakdowns (even if dramaticized) of the inner workings of police departments (I'll never look at drug bust photo-ops the same way again) city hall, drug organizations, legislatures, schools and the role (and perceived role) of the media in all of it.

(Please don't send me any spoiler alerts. I'm in Hay River without Season 5. I'm fiending like Bubbles dead buddy, David)

But for now, I'll just leave you with Clay Davis and the greatest use of one of the English language's most utilized (yeah, I said it!) words.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeee-it