Oil Can's All-Stars: #4

I admit, it's been a while since I've done one of these. However, there are a few perfectly legitimate reasons to why that is.

First and most importantly, I have been incommunicado with our friend Oil Can Boyd. Last I heard, he was traveling to Copenhagen with a contingent of ballplayers to lobby world governments to do something about climate change, because he believes -- from what he's seen in computer models (and the film 2012) -- that more unpredictable weather could have adverse effects on the planet and the people inhabiting it, but most of all, that could cause more rained-out games.

Second, the Can and I did not realize how much we were biting the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, when we started the team. Simmons has a plethora of name all-star teams like this, which include black guys who have white guy names, white guys who have black guy names and such. I've been reading Simmons on ESPN.com since my second or third of university, when I was but a young, naive procrastinator, who could sprout nary a hair on his baby smooth face and really, there is no excuse to the swagger jacking.

Seriously, I didn't realize how bad we were biting, but since reading his epic The Book of Basketball, which contains at least 10 other quasi all-star teams, I figured no harm no foul and there would be no detriment in continuing our list of the goofiest names in professional sports.

For those new to the site, we've already named three members to this squad, in various elaborate and expensive and magnanimous unveilings.

The members are:

1. Tree Rollins

2. Cool Papa Bell

3. Boof Bonser.

So for those keeping track at home, that's two baseball players and a basketballer. Well, today we're about to add a hockey player to this list...

Without further ado, the fourth member of Oil Can's All-Star, brought to you by the Jung & Walker hot sauce company, is...

Brett Festerling!!!

Yes, yes. Brett Festerling. Now I know what you're thinking (because I can read your mind!!!) who the hell is Brett Festerling?

I was thinking the same thing, really, when I watched the Canucks fall to the last-place Ducks last night. Well, Brett Festerling is a 23-year-old defenseman for the Anaheim Ducks, who was born in Quesnel, B.C. He hasn't scored a goal yet in his 40-game NHL career.

He's a shut down d-man, who was formerly captain of the Vancouver Giants, who lost a chance to represent the WHL in the Memorial Cup in 2006-07, after losing the Medicine Hat Tigers in seven games.

I couldn't find much else of interest on Festerling, other than he's apparently dating a girl from B.C., who some anonymous poster on talk-sports.net said he partied with at Wakefest a couple years ago and who, he thinks, was a "really nice girl."

But that's beside the point. What I find really interesting about this guy is his last name.

Festerling! Are you kidding me? How does this name originate? Was there a caveman way back when who had gangrene or something and his friends and neighbours, when humans were sufficiently intelligent to dole out names, voted that said Mr. Putrefying Caveman should be labelled Festerling?

I don't know, but I love it.

Just break down the meaning of the name.

To fester means to rot or to putrefy. The suffix -ling denotes a person who is concerned with something.

So basically, Brett is concerned with rotting.

What is it like when someone in his family has a baby?

"Awwww, look at that adorable little Festerling..."

"He's definitely got his father's mandible."

Sounds like the name that should be given to the spawn of the giant extra-terrestrials in Alien, or the name of the furry balls that spew out from angry Gremlins.

Fucking Festerling, man.

Brilliant.

Oil Can's All-Stars: #3

In our neverending quest to open the non-sports fans' eyes to the enchanting world of ridiculous athlete names in professional sports, we now name the third member to the Oil Can All-Star team...

Now Can told me he had trouble with this one, as he was close to naming the entire late-90s and early 00s (what are we calling this decade? we still haven't figured that one out yet, eh?) New England Patriots secondary (Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy, Assante Samuel) or anyone of the new hybrid NFL Le-names (Ledamlian, LeMarcus).

He finally came to a choice though, and I fully endorse it.

So without further delay, the third Oil Can All-Star is...

BOOF BONSER!!!!!

You've just been boofed!

Boof has been Boof since 2001, when he legally changed his name from John Paul. Maybe he didn't like sharing the same name as a famous steamship captain. Or he must of thought his named sounded too pope-like. And when someone hears Boof, I'm sure they don't think Pope. To me, Boof seems like a verb an immature person (totally not me) would use to describe coitus.

I did a google search for the word Boof. It brought up a kayaking and cold-weather gear company, and the last name of feminist author. Apparently, a boof is a wheelie in a kayak. I have no idea how this pertains to the pitcher, Boof Bonser.

Bonser has been a major league pitcher with the Minnesota Twins since 2006, when his great name broke into the bigs and had a nice little run. Since then, his weight has ballooned and Boof's been bounced to the bullpen. The Jays beat him up quite memorably during their impressive August/September run. I took no pleasure watching Boof berated.

Oil Can's All-Stars: #2

With no one from any government agency feeling any kind of responsibility to return my calls, I will turn my attention away from those douchers, to something far, far more important.

After hitting the Can up on his pager (yes, he still rocks the SkyTel pager), he tells me it's cool to release the second name on his illustrious, grotesquely grandiose scroll of famed-named all-stars...

...and so with no further ado....

COOL PAPA BELL!!!!!!

Cool Papa Bell is so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark!

Cool Papa Bell was a Negro League centrefielder from 1922 - 1946. Cool Papa is widely considered one of the greatest and FASTEST players to never put on a Major League Baseball uniform (he was literally a cool papa at 43, when Jackie Robinson broke the colour barrier and played his first game with the Dodgers in 1947).

Honsetly, eh? Like how brutal were people 70 years ago?

Pitching great (and master quotesmith) Satchel Paige described Bell's speed:

"If Cool Papa had known about colleges or if colleges had known about Cool Papa, Jesse Owens would have looked like he was walking."

- or -

"He's so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark."

For stats nerds, like me, it's hard to judge Bell's career against others, since statistics from the leauges were sparsely kept and much of Negro Leauge history was preserved through stories and anecdotes. Either way, Cool Papa Bell was named the 66th greatest player in baseball history by the Sporting News, one of five Negro League players on the list of 100.

If he's the 66th greatest ballplayer of all-time, he's got the #1 nickname of all time. How cool is 'Cool Papa?' I dare you to give me a better one... Dare you... Impossible... I hope, when I'm a crumpled old geezer, with puffs of grey hair whisping around my ears, my grandkids will call me Cool Papa. I think that would be the greatest compliment I could ever be paid. A tear would run down mine eye, and over my massive, rosacea-ravaged, bulbous nose.

Oil Can's All-Stars: #1

The first installment of Oil Can's All-Stars, dedicated to athletes with ridiculous names.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, with no further delay, the inaugural Oil Can All-Star...

(drumroll, while beautiful woman in tight, crimson red dress breaks seal of golden envelope, pulls out black card, while the packed crowd of MGM Grand gasps in anticipation. One really old chick in a white dress faints and her glass shatters on the floor, while a nervous young man barfs and then bolts, buckling under the pressure... World B. Free is already practicing his acceptance speech.

Bob Costas grabs the card and walks to the podium, clears his throat and says...)

TREE ROLLINS!!!!!

(The crowd goes apeshit. The passed out woman is revived and upon hearing that Tree Rollins is the recipient, she passes out again in euphoric frenzy.)

Tree Rollins played 18 seasons in the NBA. The 7'2 centre is 7th all-time in blocks, leading the league in the statistical category in the 1982-83 season. His nickname was "the Intimidator". He also allegedly bit Danny Ainge's finger, requiring him to get a tetanus shot. After the incident, he is credited with the quote: "What's in my mouth is mine."

Really, you can't make this stuff up.

Tree is also was guilty of causing me, at a very young age, to roll around on the floor, in tears laughing, when I opened up a pack of basketball cards and saw a player with the name Tree. It was so random and so goofy and such a fittingly perfect name for a severely tall individual (like an NBA centre). I would have loved to have been there when that one guy called him Tree for the first time. 

Anyways, Tree Rollins has always stayed with me.

Godspeed, Mr. Tree.