luge, bobsleigh, skeleton... you're cut

I've had just about the craziest month and a bit I can remember. It's like non-stop.

I went onto here today to write something and realized I had a couple rants that I failed to publish during the recent madness. So I apologize for the tardiness and now-irrelevance of this rant, but what the fuck...

(Funny to look back in hindsight less than once month later and realize how quickly we move on from the Olympics and how I couldn't tell you the names of the gold medalists in bobsleigh. I bet you couldn't either. Don't go google it either.)

From the vaults (written Feb. 19, 2010):

Let's go back. Waaaaaaay back. Back when I was slinging muck in Iqaluit. At that time, I was speaking with some Frozen Grapes at length about Olympic events that needed to go. Hammer toss, you were there. Skeet shooting, I remember seeing you hovering around. I think water polo even made an appearance.

Anyhow, after having a couple beers with a new friend of mine following work, and surveilling the ubiquitously ubiquitous Olympic coverage, I am ready to add bobsleigh, luge and skeleton to that list.

Now don't immediately get up in arms about this, I'm going to rationally explain how I came to this decision.

As a disclaimer, I'm not discounting the abilities that these athletes have in these pseudo-sports. Bobsleigh, luge and skeleton Olympians are the best in the world at the bobsleigh, luge and skeleton. There is no doubt about that. But my big beef is that I'm sure there are better potential lugers out there somewhere and the real reason these guys are competing for medals is because only one percent of one percent of one percent of people have ever even thought about giving the luge a try, and maybe one percent of one percent of those people have actually given it a shot. Are you telling me that these bobleighers and lugists could seriously beat Lebron James or Usain Bolt or Alex Ovechkin if they were given a luge and a couple hours? I think not. These people are Olympians by default. They were failed basketball or hockey or track stars, so they wound up doing bobsleigh and luge and skeleton.

Again, I'm not taking anything away from these people. I saw that Georgian dude get killed and I watched skeletoner(?) after skeletoner get the shit kicked out of them on that course. Really, that sport takes balls and a few loose screws. But it brings to light a problem I have with the winter Olympics in general - namely, the athletes there are the best in the world at what they do, but only due to monetary or climatic factors. The truest and greatest athletes are probably not competing. In the summer Olympics, the fastest runners and swimmers face off against each other. It doesn't matter where you grow up, if you are a fast runner, you are a fast runner and you are going to move up through the ranks.

It's not like that with skiing or hockey. How many people are immediately eliminated from ever being an Olympic skier, based on where they grew up or how much money their family had. Maybe some kid growing up in the Prairies was born with all the innate gifts it takes to be a superstar skier, but they lived thousands of miles from any sort of incline they could ride down on skis? Or what about the poor kid in a city who has the required strength and skill to be a hockey player, but can't afford the pricey gear and registration? Who really knows who the best lugist is? What do you need to be a luger? Explosive speed and balance? The best short distance sprinter/acrobat could be skateboarding somewhere in Canada right now, or could be sitting on an apartment step in Jamaica. Who knows?

So that's why I watch these things and find them entertaining for a while, but I'm not 100 percent sold we're seeing the best of the best...

random thoughts

I spent a while trying to think of how to unify all these thoughts, but it wasn't possible and, more importantly, I wasn't being productive. Productivity has become my main focus these days. It's been beaten into me at work. Be productive. Be productive. Be productive. We actually tally every single task we do each day, and with each task being given a specific time-amount value, our daily productivity is measured on a spreadsheet. What's more, our final tally is divided by our productive time -- meaning time spent working, and not on lunch or pissing or shitting or training -- and we are given a production-per-hour number.

This is not healthy for me. I'm a competitive person by nature. I can't help but try to get the high score. I've been conditioned since childhood. I blame it on an overload of video games and professional sports viewing as a kid. I find I'm completely out of it at the end of the day, having neglected using the washroom each time I have to go or taking a glass of water here and there, as I push myself to best my previous days' score.

I'll let you know how this goes in a couple weeks.

Anyways, onto the random thoughts:

In honour of the Olympics, I will give you my podium finish for the strangest things I've seen in Montreal over the past 48 hours:

4th place: Walking to a friend's birthday dinner in the Plateau after work Monday from my office downtown, I passed a Starbucks where a guy was interviewing a girl for what looked to be a position at the restaurant. What was strange about this was the fact that for a solid two minutes, some dude was pressed against the window watching everything a little too intently. I thought for a few seconds that he was a manager, overlooking the interview process, seeing that he wasn't too shabbily dressed. But then I thought, why the hell would anyone supervise an interview through a pane of glass. And then I found it strange that the two people didn't notice the guy. Until finally, the girl discovered him -- and the guy followed -- and then the dude just walked away talking to himself. They continued their interview like nothing had happened.

Bronze Medal: Getting off the train today, I watched a guy walk at full pace into the turnstile at the Berri-UQAM stop. In his own daze, he had forgotten to take out his Metro swipe pass. He literally doubled over on the metal bar. He then swore, took a step back, pulled out his pass, swiped it and walked through. Like nothing had happened.

Silver Medal: I started taking a new route to work. Well not exactly work, but to the Metro station I walk to every day. I found a really neat breakfast spot that I'm going to have to try out, but I feel like I want to wait for summer because it just seems like it would be better in the summer. Anyways, above the breakfast spot, there are maybe three vacant apartments. I'm thinking they are vacant because the windows are open and every few seconds, a pigeon flies out, picks something off the street and then returns into the apartment. It's like they own the places. It's awesome, but surreal. I really hope for the sake of humanity that no one lives in these apartment.

Gold Medal: On my way to work Monday morning, I sat aghast while a granny-aged Hispanic-looking Asian lady picked and plucked her eyebrows with these sharp-ass tweezers while the train herky-jerked downtown. I mean, people were bumping into each other with each abrupt stop or start, and this lady is going about her business with a sharp metal object pointed directly at her eyeball. It gave me the fucking heebie jeebies big time. I guess that woman has been doing her brows long enough to feel comfortable in those kinds of conditions. But it was too much for me, so I moved to the far end of the train, in case that thing went through her eye and sprayed some of that vitrious fluid all over the place.

So she takes the gold medal in the strange things in Montreal event, which by the way, is probably a bigger accomplishment than you'd think. People here are generally 86 per cent crazier than anywhere I've ever been. Like I've said many-a-time, I think one thing that qualifies someone as being Quebecois is the ability to feel completely at ease about talking to yourself in public.

I've heard some strange things as well these past couple days. Someone I met told me that they had been given a ticket on the Metro because the hockey skates they were carrying didn't have skateguards on them. Also, I recently found out my roommate did the voice for the Sixth Sense kid in the Quebec-French version of the movie. He did it before he was visited by the Pube Fairy, of course. Also, his old man is the Quebec voice for Brad Pitt and a couple other big actors. Pretty wild.

Onto the Olympics. Man. I kind of felt in a funk because the entire time I was finishing my studies (yeah right) in Calgary, and I was working in Yellowknife, I had sort of seen myself living in Vancouver as the Olympics were going on. It was this weird goal I had. Anyways, I'm not. And although I really haven't been excited about the games or anything, I think it would be fun as hell to be in that city right now. Also, I do get sucked into watching the games every time they're on and unfortunately, my roommate forgot to pay our cable/internet bill, so I can't even keep up with what is going on. I didn't even see the footage of the luge guy until Monday. I'm disconnected, mon.

Saw a bit of the opening ceremonies. I felt bad for all those native people that had to dance generically while all the athletes walked out. I hope they have good agents. Also, I want to cop some Azerbaijan pants.

I love those things.

Anyhow, last night we managed to hook up this mini-TV into our cable in the living room and get a crappy Olympic feed that only played the Men's Figure Skating event. And you know what? I watched it for two hours and got sucked right in.

I couldn't help but think that a lot of those guys are like stunted developmentally. Not from a physical standpoint, but maybe mentally. I mean, there was this one guy from Belgium decked out in a skeleton outfit.

A skeleton costume? For real?

I mean, I understand that it's all about skating a routine and becoming a character and everything, but this is probably the biggest moment of your life, your entire family and all your friends and their families and their friends are all watching you, and this is the culmination of your life's work and the most serious and important moment of your life... and you're going to wear a skeleton suit?

Pal, you're never going to have a bigger platform in all of your life and you go and decide to wear pajamas?

It's really the behaviour of a six-year-old. Does this guy need his food cut up for him in small pieces before he eats? Does he have a nightlight and need someone to check under the bed for him before he can go to sleep? Does he say 'lellow' instead of 'yellow'? I honestly wouldn't doubt it.

Also, I want to know how more people aren't getting hurt or killed in the biathlon. Really. You are giving people guns at the beginning of a race.

Think about that.

I'm sure if I ever took up that sport, I'd be tempted big time to pick off a couple of competitors ahead of me as I made my way toward the finish line. Now I'm not saying I would, but I won't lie and tell you it wouldn't cross my mind. And judging by some of the unstable cases competing in the Olympics (see Skeleton boy above) I'm surprised we haven't seen someone go Charles Whitman in a biathlon race. I'm just sayin.

And it's not like I think biathlon is uninteresting, but here's an idea to make it a little more exciting: give each competitor a revolver with one bullet in it, spin the cylinder Russian Roulette-style, and then set them off. The racers can use the bullet at any time, although they'll never know if their shot will count. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch this.

If you're not down with that idea, then what about turning the race into a paintball hybrid and the racer has to play dead for a minute or two when they get shot. That could still be entertaining.

And before I end this thing, I'm going to dust off the people I irrationally hate file and add another name...

Apollo Anton Ohno.

Oh man is this guy a douche. I can't even remember all the reasons I hate him so much, because it has been four years since I've had to tolerate his presence. But I'll give it a try...

First of all, that name! Apollo Anton Ohno. That screams someone who is desperate for attention and lacks personality (see the Basis of Personality post.)

Second, he was NBC's most marketed athlete in 2006 (or was it 2002) because he appears to have an edge. He was jammed down our throat and I remember him whining like a little bitch when he lost or something (definitely could not be true, but this is an irrational hatred thread.)

(I actually looked up what happened in 2002 and he made a big deal about this one guy passing him... yep, I am vindicated.)

Third, he was on Dancing with the Stars.

Fourth, he looks like a slightly healthier version of Michael Jackson. Just look.

Fifth, he's an American athlete and they are always fun to irrationally hate during the Olympics.

Sixth, there is this...

Definitely deserving of some irrational hatred, don't you think...

One more random thought: 70-year-old men should be barred from wearing suits and owning Blackberrys. People this age should care more about their grandchildren than lining their already fat savings accounts. In a nutshell, that's why our world sucks so much right now. It's all these self-interested, grey, old fucks who are making important decisions about our world, based on the brief timeframes of their lives, because they have nothing else at stake personally in the world. Financially wealthy, personally bankrupt.

Well Sheeeeeeeeeetttt... doesn't it feel good to get all that trivial detritus and irrational hate out of me.

Until next time, kiddos.

"No Olympics on Stolen Native Land!"

I just returned from the Olympic Torch Relay event down at the Old Port, here in snowy Montreal.

A stage was set up in Place Jacques-Cartier to celebrate the torch's arrival and while Olympic and Coca-Cola and RBC organizers rushed to get everything in place, about 200 hundred-or-so protesters crammed into the area in front of the stage with tubas and trumpets and drums and tambourines and made it known that they did not support the games and the money being spent on them and the land being appropriated for highways and games infrastructure and the scary amount of privacy being lost in Vancouver under games legislation that allows peoples' homes to be searched for anti-Olympic and anti-Olympic sponsor material.

They were there to Shame the Flame.

Me? I didn't know.

Let me begin by saying long ago, I was a demented little national sports freak and I literally leapt for joy when the Olympics rolled around. I would never cheer harder than for any athlete who wore the red and white and represented our country. I'd wake up early on Saturday and Sunday mornings -- and even weekdays!!! -- and sit in front of the television slurping sugary cereal and watch our rowers compete in Barcelona, or biathletes in Lillehammer, and whenever one of our athletes won a medal, I would rejoice and watch the replays of their races or events and their medal ceremonies over and over, and then run over to my sports page, which held the medal counts and update them with my pen as they were updated on the TV. I thought Silken Laumann and her gigantic gums and teeth were the greatest, and Myrian Bedard and Sylvie Frechette deserved to be pictured on our money and Michael Smith was the world's greatest athlete and I had a major crush on Joanne Malar.

There are only a few 'I remember exactly where I was when that happened' moments in my life so far, but when Donovan Bailey stormed back after a terrible start and won gold and broke the 100m world record in Atlanta, after a race that was mired with false starts and bizarre drama -- so much that I felt like I was going to vomit -- I remember jumping up and down on my couch and screaming at the top of my lungs on that sunny July day and nearly scaring the shit out of my sister, who was down the apartment hall outside and ran to our door to see what happened.

In so many words, I was an Olympic junkie.

But something turned along the way. It may be that I'm getting old and I see the economics that come into play with events of this size and perhaps realize in what areas OUR money could be better spent to serve us. Or it could be that I don't believe in the 'Olympic spirit' anymore, where it's all become about picking up sponsorship dollars and less emphasis is put on sport. It may be that I'm cynical that everyone is doping, while less and less are getting caught, as the designer drugs stay ahead of the designer detectors. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm not even sure the world's best athletes are competing, since to be able to make the games, you have to live a fairly privileged life and come from a privileged background (ski passes aren't cheap). So so many can't afford to train all their lives. And the winter games are even worse, because pretty much each event requires buying equipment and having access to expensive facilities, something which many unfortunately don't have. Who knows, the world's best speedskater may be living in Paraguay?

So while I will cheer like mad during the hockey tournament, and probably throughout the rest of the games because I am a gigantic sports fan, the Olympics clearly has lost its innocence, at least to me.

But am I against the Olympic Games and was I ready to protest a torch relay?

The people protesting made some great points about how the money being spent putting on the Olympics would be better spent on social institutions or on building houses. The protesters rallied against the police taking homeless from downtown Vancouver and trying to quick-fix clean-up the downtown East Side. They also said the security budget for the games was approaching $1 billion, and would leave a legacy of Closed-Circuit TV cameras to keep an eye on the city's residents.

And they played the tuba and yelled catchy chants and beat drums and it was all very funky and I would start to shuffle my feet and nod my head and it kind of felt like a party. And when the music stopped, everyone put their black noisemaker thingees in the air and it sounded like a bunch of geese honking at the same frequency. I moved closer and closer and wanted to join in. I was moving in. I was starting to see the Olympics for all it is...

But then the protesters started in on their sexy issue and I backed off.

"No Olympics on Stolen Native Land!"

Obviously, I'm against this as well. Highways and infrastructure are going up on land that Canada hasn't settled with First Nations in B.C. and that's definitely wrong. But call me crazy, I really felt there was something very hypocritical going on at that rally tonight, with a bunch of white people chanting their displeasure about the Olympics happening on "stolen native land". I mean, when you look at it, wasn't the protest happening on stolen native land? Who were these people to complain about something happening on stolen native land? Isn't the school they study at built on stolen native land, along with their houses and the houses of their parents and grandparents, if you really look at it?

And where were all these people championing this cause before the Olympics were given to Vancouver? I suppose it's great that this issue is getting publicity now, but to me, this protest seemed like something people were doing because it was popular. I wondered how many would still speak up about this after the games were over.

So I backed off. A lady came by and handed me a pamphlet and when I pointed out the contradiction, she brought up the unsettled land argument and said it was literally getting stolen. I couldn't help but think about the land claims North of 60 and seeing how, often times, the government does not hold up their end of the agreement, which sort of makes me wonder what settling the claim even really means.

The chanting kept on and kept on and some girls gave me a sticker with a smile and the police moved in to try to move the protesters who held their ground and kept chanting "No Olympics on Stolen Native Land" and eventually I just couldn't get over the hypocrisy and so I left, and walking away, past the Coca-Cola and RBC tents, I saw a bunch of kids with their parents, bundled up, hoping to see the Olympic torch, which still represented pride and hard-work and excellence, not the greed, corruption and consumerism it does for us. And the kids could barely see over the hoopla down in front of the stage.

Not that it really bothered me, either. But at the end of the day, I found I wanted to protest the games, but not because it was something sexy to do.

So I walked away from it all.

Anything redeeming about the Olympics?

The Olympics begin tomorrow morning. As a kid, I was all over the Games and could sit there and watch the steeplechase or shotput completely contented, so long as a Canadian was competing. 

I don't get excited over them so much anymore. They're unfair (I mean, rich nations will always kick the shit out of poorer ones), they've really gotten too big (cities are spending billions to put them on and hundreds of millions just to bid for the chance to hold them), and too scandalous (don't believe for a second that some athletes aren't cheating using designer steroids). Because of this, the games have almost become THE excessive commercialization of sport, which is the total opposite of what it promotes itself as.

STILL, once they begin, I'm sure I'll tune in. And specifically, I'll be glued to all USA Men's Basketball "Redeeem Team" (named thusly because, despite being home to the greatest players in the world, they have gone years without a gold in international competition) games, to see if they can take the gold.

You want to know how likable Chris Paul is? His teeth gleam in pictures.

I'm torn over whether to cheer for them. There are some likeable characters on the team (Chris Bosh, Chris Paul) and, maybe because of the pleasant MJ, Barkley '92 nostalgia, I'll be pulling for them. 

Either way, it's definitely going to be interesting to watch. It will be intriguing to see how this team full of mega-stars like Kobe, LJ23 and D-Wade co-exist under the glare of international competition, with millions and tens of millions in tow with their sponsors. I mean, how does a guy like LeBron (even if he legitimately wants to make a sacrifice to win) try to play second fiddle to someone like Kobe. Nike has invested bazillions into this guy and they must be in his ear, telling him to run this thing. You think they want to see LeBron pass up a big shot to D-Wade in front of a worldwide audience. They've gotta want him to be the man and there has to be pressure there.

LeBron's sneakers: "Pssst.... Bronnie? Fuck Kobe. He's a punk. You the man!"

And then there's D-Wade, who's been quiet (hurt) since the Heat won it all in '06. He's going to want to make some noise. 

These are things the old Dream Teams didn't have to worry about: the money...

I almost think you have to get rid of those big three, and then run with guys like Paul and Bosh and Carmelo. I don't know how this is going to play out.

So me and Oil Can will be making sure we tune into this...

Oh, wait... Oil Can wants to say his piece...

Fuck all them pros! No way I'm standing behind that Redeem Team bullshit. Bunch of spoiled muthafuckas...

(Oil Can is a little bitter about those mutli-million dollar contracts pro athletes have been signing these days.)

I heard that.

(Whoops...) Who you gonna cheer for then, Can?

hmmm.... shit. That's a good question. Who's all competing?

(Reads list)

I don't know... hmmm... you know what? I'm gonna cheer for the brokest team over there...

The brokest?

Yeah, the poorest, peanut-butter sandwich eating muthafuckas they let in there.

And so it was, that the Can and I sat down and figured out who, in fact, was the brokest motherfuckin' basketball team in this year's Olympics.

We went by GDP per capita... (according to Wikipedia -- love that shit, baby!)

                           GDP                        Population        Per Capita    Rank

Angola               $43.362 billion          15,941,000       $2,813          (12)

Argentina           $523.7 billion            40,677,348         $13,307           (9)

Australia            $718.4 billion             21,730,000       $34,359           (2)

China                $10.21 TRILLION        a shitload         $7,800         (11)

Croatia             $74.419 billion           4,453,400        $16,758        (7)

Germany            $2.81 TRILLION        82,217,800      $34,181          (3)

Greece             $342,886 billion        11,216,708         $30,745        (5)

Iran                $753 billion (damn!)   70,472,846        $10,624          (10)

Lithuania           $66 billion                3,369,600         $19,730          (6)

Russia             $2.088 TRILLION      142,008,838       $14,692           (8)

Spain              $1.310 TRILLION        45,200,737      $33,700         (4)

United States     $13.543 TRILLION!!    304,798,00      $45,594            (!)

A couple things before we continue:

1) What the fuck is the US worried about? Recession, please? (Unless someone is fudging numbers.) I mean, goddamn! There must be a lot of rich motherfuckers hanging around all those poor folks down there. (Oil Can wants me to remind you that there are 12 of them playing on the Redeem Team.)

2) I love how Argentina, Iran, Russia and Spain have their populations measured down TO THE PERSON! Maybe if you didn't spend so much time trying to figure out your numbers, you could step your GDP game up, Argentina.

3) I'm not going to lie, Spain. I'm impressed. Respect.

4) China's numbers do not include Hong Kong or Taiwan or Macau or Monster Island.

5) What the hell accounts for Lithuania's GDP? Lithium?

6) You want to know where Canada ranks, right?

                       GDP                             Population           Per Capita      Rank

Canada            $1.274 TRILLION        33,339,000        $38,200        (2)

So with that out of the way, we've got Oil Can's 2008 Olympic Basketball Team...

ANGOLA!!!

"Mother Africa, baby! We got this..."

Team Angola roster:

Carlos Almeida

Felizardo Silvestre Bumba Ambrosio

Milton Barros

Domingos Emanuel Da Silva Bonifacio

Olimpio Cipriano

Luis Costa

Vladimir Ricardiho Geronimo

Joaquim Gomes

Fransisco Domingos Gomes Horacio

Idelfonso Carlos Antonio Kiteculo

Eduardo Mingas

Carlos Morais

Abdel Aziz Moussa

Victor Muzadi

Leonel Ditutala Paulo

Sounds like the god damn Portugese Soccer Team! - as Oil Can takes a large chug of beer.

Team USA roster:

LeBron James

Kobe Bryant

Christ Paul (the 't' was a typo, but I'm gonna leave it. I think it's apt)

Chris Bosh

Carmelo Anthony

Dwyane Wade

Jason Kidd

Michael Redd

Carlos Boozer

Dwight Howard

Deron Williams

Tayshaun Prince

Yep.

I like my chances. Sorry, Can.

So it's settled, then...

Oh, wait there's one thing we can both agree on. And something we will both be cheering - together - during the Olympics.

On three. Alright, Can?

One...

Two...

Three...

FUCK MANU GINOBLI!!!

Ya whiny bitch!