The Olympics begin tomorrow morning. As a kid, I was all over the Games and could sit there and watch the steeplechase or shotput completely contented, so long as a Canadian was competing.
I don't get excited over them so much anymore. They're unfair (I mean, rich nations will always kick the shit out of poorer ones), they've really gotten too big (cities are spending billions to put them on and hundreds of millions just to bid for the chance to hold them), and too scandalous (don't believe for a second that some athletes aren't cheating using designer steroids). Because of this, the games have almost become THE excessive commercialization of sport, which is the total opposite of what it promotes itself as.
STILL, once they begin, I'm sure I'll tune in. And specifically, I'll be glued to all USA Men's Basketball "Redeeem Team" (named thusly because, despite being home to the greatest players in the world, they have gone years without a gold in international competition) games, to see if they can take the gold.
You want to know how likable Chris Paul is? His teeth gleam in pictures.
I'm torn over whether to cheer for them. There are some likeable characters on the team (Chris Bosh, Chris Paul) and, maybe because of the pleasant MJ, Barkley '92 nostalgia, I'll be pulling for them.
Either way, it's definitely going to be interesting to watch. It will be intriguing to see how this team full of mega-stars like Kobe, LJ23 and D-Wade co-exist under the glare of international competition, with millions and tens of millions in tow with their sponsors. I mean, how does a guy like LeBron (even if he legitimately wants to make a sacrifice to win) try to play second fiddle to someone like Kobe. Nike has invested bazillions into this guy and they must be in his ear, telling him to run this thing. You think they want to see LeBron pass up a big shot to D-Wade in front of a worldwide audience. They've gotta want him to be the man and there has to be pressure there.
LeBron's sneakers: "Pssst.... Bronnie? Fuck Kobe. He's a punk. You the man!"
And then there's D-Wade, who's been quiet (hurt) since the Heat won it all in '06. He's going to want to make some noise.
These are things the old Dream Teams didn't have to worry about: the money...
I almost think you have to get rid of those big three, and then run with guys like Paul and Bosh and Carmelo. I don't know how this is going to play out.
So me and Oil Can will be making sure we tune into this...
Oh, wait... Oil Can wants to say his piece...
Fuck all them pros! No way I'm standing behind that Redeem Team bullshit. Bunch of spoiled muthafuckas...
(Oil Can is a little bitter about those mutli-million dollar contracts pro athletes have been signing these days.)
I heard that.
(Whoops...) Who you gonna cheer for then, Can?
hmmm.... shit. That's a good question. Who's all competing?
(Reads list)
I don't know... hmmm... you know what? I'm gonna cheer for the brokest team over there...
The brokest?
Yeah, the poorest, peanut-butter sandwich eating muthafuckas they let in there.
And so it was, that the Can and I sat down and figured out who, in fact, was the brokest motherfuckin' basketball team in this year's Olympics.
We went by GDP per capita... (according to Wikipedia -- love that shit, baby!)
GDP Population Per Capita Rank
Angola $43.362 billion 15,941,000 $2,813 (12)
Argentina $523.7 billion 40,677,348 $13,307 (9)
Australia $718.4 billion 21,730,000 $34,359 (2)
China $10.21 TRILLION a shitload $7,800 (11)
Croatia $74.419 billion 4,453,400 $16,758 (7)
Germany $2.81 TRILLION 82,217,800 $34,181 (3)
Greece $342,886 billion 11,216,708 $30,745 (5)
Iran $753 billion (damn!) 70,472,846 $10,624 (10)
Lithuania $66 billion 3,369,600 $19,730 (6)
Russia $2.088 TRILLION 142,008,838 $14,692 (8)
Spain $1.310 TRILLION 45,200,737 $33,700 (4)
United States $13.543 TRILLION!! 304,798,00 $45,594 (!)
A couple things before we continue:
1) What the fuck is the US worried about? Recession, please? (Unless someone is fudging numbers.) I mean, goddamn! There must be a lot of rich motherfuckers hanging around all those poor folks down there. (Oil Can wants me to remind you that there are 12 of them playing on the Redeem Team.)
2) I love how Argentina, Iran, Russia and Spain have their populations measured down TO THE PERSON! Maybe if you didn't spend so much time trying to figure out your numbers, you could step your GDP game up, Argentina.
3) I'm not going to lie, Spain. I'm impressed. Respect.
4) China's numbers do not include Hong Kong or Taiwan or Macau or Monster Island.
5) What the hell accounts for Lithuania's GDP? Lithium?
6) You want to know where Canada ranks, right?
GDP Population Per Capita Rank
Canada $1.274 TRILLION 33,339,000 $38,200 (2)
So with that out of the way, we've got Oil Can's 2008 Olympic Basketball Team...
ANGOLA!!!
"Mother Africa, baby! We got this..."
Team Angola roster:
Carlos Almeida
Felizardo Silvestre Bumba Ambrosio
Milton Barros
Domingos Emanuel Da Silva Bonifacio
Olimpio Cipriano
Luis Costa
Vladimir Ricardiho Geronimo
Joaquim Gomes
Fransisco Domingos Gomes Horacio
Idelfonso Carlos Antonio Kiteculo
Eduardo Mingas
Carlos Morais
Abdel Aziz Moussa
Victor Muzadi
Leonel Ditutala Paulo
Sounds like the god damn Portugese Soccer Team! - as Oil Can takes a large chug of beer.
Team USA roster:
LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Christ Paul (the 't' was a typo, but I'm gonna leave it. I think it's apt)
Chris Bosh
Carmelo Anthony
Dwyane Wade
Jason Kidd
Michael Redd
Carlos Boozer
Dwight Howard
Deron Williams
Tayshaun Prince
Yep.
I like my chances. Sorry, Can.
So it's settled, then...
Oh, wait there's one thing we can both agree on. And something we will both be cheering - together - during the Olympics.
On three. Alright, Can?
One...
Two...
Three...
FUCK MANU GINOBLI!!!
Ya whiny bitch!
1 comment:
Manu's a punk bitch. And now he's a hospital patient, as is apt for all punk bitches.
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