10 things i learned about sports tonight

It was a moderately noteworthy night in Montreal sports here, with the TIM HORTON'S Heritage Classic and all, so I met a couple friends at one of the city's best (read: cheapest) sports bars, located in the heart of the gay village (read: correctly.)

It's been a while since I sat down in front of a wall of television screens at the Sports Station for a good ole fashioned night of sports osmosis. We were surrounded by acronyms - NHL, NBA All-Stars, WWE, ATP - and even some bass fishing superstars, as they all scrapped it out for screen supremacy and after my fair share of the brews from our $16 4-L pitchers and a $7 burger combo, I feel like I learned some things tonight and since I nearly died on my way home, with Sherbrooke from Lafontaine to Papineau basically one malicious strip of ice, I realized how fragile life is and, therefore, how important it is that I pass on these vital tidbits.

So with that: a TOP 10 LIST!

10. Canadian tennis fans have a reason to be excited

Even though he lost to Andy Roddick in the finals of some garbage tournament tonight, this Milos Raonic kid really has some juice. Now I know that no one cares about tennis, but if you haven't watched it in a while, well, there's a Canadian who can win a tournament with his serve now. A friend of mine who is a nationally-ranked player has a whole lot of good stuff to say about this guy, so I'm gonna go ahead and co-sign.

9. Two of the NBA's ten best players look like Wire characters

Now maybe you can tally this up to the fact that I've been deep into the Wire these last few days, but while watching the first half of the NBA All-Star game tonight, I couldn't help but think that two of the league's best players look a lot like the leaders of Baltimore's West Side.

Avon Barksdale = Kevin Durant

Stringer Bell = Amar'e Stoudamire

Come on, admit it. I'm right. They both look alike? Don't they?

I couldn't stop seeing the parallels while I watched, but maybe keep in mind that I'm the same guy that said Jacques Martin looks like Fievel from Fievel Goes West and that one of my buddy's mom's looks like Canadian Olympic curler Russ Howard.

I apologize.

8. Lenny Kravitz is still alive

I couldn't believe it either. Somehow he wiggled his way into the NBA All-Star starting line-up intros and it seemed like he was on TV for like 15 minutes. The All-Star game was muted so I couldn't hear what he was playing, but let me guess...

American Woman, followed by Are You Gonna Go My Way, followed by Fly Away.

Either way, the entire time he was on screen we were trying to remember the chick he used to be banging.

7. Kobe Bryant is totally unlikeable

What made him less palatable: the mock sincerity and humility he showed when shaking Bill Russell and Ms. Bill Russell's hands court side or him jacking up like a bazillion first half shots in the All-Star game?

Kobe, we know the game is in your house. We know you want to win MVP in front of the home crowd. We know you are the two-time defending champ. But damn man, let the game come to you and take over later. You don't need to drop 21 in the first half on like 30 shots. People are gonna defer to you later, because they semi-respect you.

Come on!

(P.S. I only watched the first half.)

6. Andy Roddick is bald

Cheap shot, but on the last point of his championship set against Raonic, he dove and his hat fell off. He hit the beauty winner, but it was revealed that he is Ryan Getzlaf/Herc from the Wire bald. I wouldn't have noticed it, except he reacted oddly to the situation. Instead of celebrating a championship won on an amazing winner, he rushed to put his hat on and then got up somewhat hesitantly and put his hands in the air, relieved. All in all, it was very unRoddick-like.

I laughed to myself... until I remembered he's banging Brooklyn Decker.

And then I ordered myself another drink.

5. Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta are pansies

Guys, it's -10C, you don't need to be doing the whole balaclava, over-the-ears get-up for the game just because it's outside. I mean, Brent Sutter and Fievel didn't even cover their ears, but you guys felt it suitable to dress like you were skidooers in Yellowknife. I think that right there says enough about the Habs' toughness this year.

4. Jerry Lawler is a face *

Somehow, Jerry "Burger King" Lawler is a face?!?!? WHAT? How could anyone ever cheer for this guy? It's been 18 years and I still don't forgive him for this...

Lawler got what was coming to him tonight though. He got beat down hard by the Miz.

Note: Who would have thought that in 2011 Jerry "the King" Lawler would be capable of a 15-minute main event match and Bret "the Hitman" Hart would be walking around like a fragile relic.

Note #2: WWE, listen to me, you've got to stop doing that Wrestlemania board promo thing. They keep shooting people with this camera angle so that this gigantic Wrestlemania board hanging in the rafters appears behind them and it's so obvious they are only doing it so they can use it later in promos. It probably looked cool the first time they did it, but they're doing it for every match.

Note #3: I realized tonight that the WWE is all about branding. That's it. Catch phrases and finishers and that's it. I bet some of the best and most creative ad execs grew up as wrestling fans.

Note #4: My buddy huuuuuuh-Reeeehn sums up Lawler's old school appeal perfectly: "How ridiculous is the one piece unitard? What the fuck?"

Note #5: Did you know that Triple H has a movie coming out?

Check this:

Is that curly haired kid the evolution of the ginger from the Big Green. Man, talk about a crap sandwich. I actually can't wait to see this thing. Bad Movie Marathon Entry #1.

3. RDS hockey exists with Joel Bouchard's hair

Maybe the most disappointing part of the evening: RDS covered up Joel Bouchard's hair during tonight's game. I didn't think I could watch a Habs game here without seeing Joel Bouchard's rubbery, unnatural doo.

If I had paid money to watch the game, I would have asked for it back.

Apparently the Habs weren't all that impressed either, because they chose to drop that gigantic coiler out there tonight. To be truthful though, it didn't seem like people were all that fired up for tonight's game.

Note: By the way, search 'Joel Bouchard' on google images and I guarantee you will not find a more out-of-er results for a quasi-celebrity. You would expect the kind of 'passed out, looking gonzo' results that come up from a good friend's facebook photos, not from a 'respected' professional hockey commentator.

2. Lebron is illuminati

Or maybe he was just shouting out his boy Jay-Z. Or showing off his favourite geometric shape.

Nah, I'm gonna go with the secret society angle. Oh Lebron, I saw it. You guys were all dancing around during your introductions and you were goofing around until, right at the end, you threw up the diamond sign right before the cameras panned away.

As the message board fanatics say "in before the illuminati shitstorm/"

Yep, we have irrefutable proof that Lebron supports the globalists' agenda, people. Lebron, like illuminati brothers Jay-Z and Eminem and Diamond Dallas Paige, is just a puppet in the Rockefeller and Rothchild plan for global enslavement.

DDP - Drive Down Proletariat?

1. Do not cut from a Habs game to Bass fishing in Montreal

The Sports Station in the Village has about 40 flat-screens pasted to the walls. When I arrived, 90 percent of the TVs had the Habs-Flames game, with the remaining screens showing the end of the Roddick-Raonic match. Once that ended, they all went to the hockey game. At one point, during the second period, the manager of the bar decided to throw the NBA All-Star game on because someone had asked.

Unfortunately, the manager wasn't paying too much attention because he threw on a bass fishing show. I didn't notice, because I was facing a wall with seven flat-screens, but the people facing me starting making a scene since two of their three screens were showcasing a snake slithering through some water.

The manager came over and reassured everyone that he was trying to put on the basketball game, but the bass fishing continued and, with the game still close, people started to lose their patience. At one point, the fisherman's line tensed up like he caught something and we all started to cheer. He reeled the puppy in and his buddy scooped it up in the net. The fisherman grabbed the fresh-water fish and posed with it and we all went crazy. The manager got the picture and he quickly turned the game back on.

Sadly, that was probably the only thing that Habs fans got to cheer about tonight.

* Sports Entertainment tidbit

Top 10 List: Things you see in Montreal far more than you would anywhere else

Since that Worst Tall guy list was so much fun to compile, I figured I'd do the same for Montreal and list the top ten things I've seen in abundance here that I haven't in most any other cities in Canada or the States.

I opted away from listing Habs fans, festivals, poutine, people wearing ridiculous clothes or sporting goofy haircuts and French-speakers here obviously, because obviously those were obvious picks.

(Note: This list changed after a visit to Vancouver, where I noted that there are dirty, soulless hipsters in abundance there too.)

Explosions in the Sky that don't make you fall asleep...

10. Fireworks

There are stretches of time where I'll see them whenever I poke my head outside. Summer. Winter. It doesn't matter. I'll walk out of a Depanneur, hear an explosion, duck my head and step back, then crane my neck to see it was fireworks. This place is batty for fireworks. During celebrations on St. Catherine after the Game 7 win vs. the Pens, people were letting off fireworks on the street every few minutes.

Cig smoke: Montrealer for fresh air

9. Cigarette smoking

Efforts to curb smoking seem to be working elsewhere on the continent, but I've never seen people enjoy smoking as much as they do here. It's almost like it's survived as a cultural practice. It's a post-dinner ritual in my apartment. Everyone will get up and walk to the balcony and light up cigs and I just sit at the table alone. When I walk to work in the morning, the front-door of every single government building, without exception, is teeming with folks inhaling their 10 a.m. breaks.

The gangster ponytail?

8. White dudes with doo-rags

I don't really know how to explain this one (and this may be the area that I live in, which is pretty sketch) but I've never seen so many white dudes wearing doo-rags. I always wanted to know what happens to these white gangsters when they grow up. Do they keep dressing like gangsters? Or do they go white trash or biker?

Girl you look good/ You better back that bun up

7. Hot dogs

I've gone entire days here on just hot dogs. You go to some bars and that's all they serve. They're called 'ot dogs' here. I tried asking for a 'chien chaud' once and my roommate corrected me immediately. He was embarrassed for me.

Kryptonite or Coors Light?

6. CHEAP BEER

Unfortunately for the rest of the world, the fact that you can get a pint of beer from between $3.50 to $5 in most pubs and bars in Montreal is unique. I'm not complaining. The Happy Hour (or 5 a 7) deals are stellar. (My liver is emitting twinges of pain.) You can get a pitcher of beer at some spots for $6. My buddy Jimmy Quinn is the go-to on this one. He's like an iPhone app: you ask him where we should go and he'll list off 10 pubs within walking distance and what the prices and specials are at each spot that night. It's beautiful to see in person. Probably like watching a ballet or something.

Montreal patios now com in two flavours: with or without-douche.

5. Patios

For a guy who once wrote a story in his local newspaper lamenting the lack of patios, the outdoor lounging scene in Montreal is beyond comprehensible. It's downright baffoonery. In fact, it's legendary. Nearly every pub or eating establishment has some sort of outdoor 'terasse,' and if they don't, then they have windows that slide away. It's money for weeks like we had late last month, where the temperature was stuck between 25 and 32. I will go to the crematorium believing that there is nothing better to do on a boxer-soaking hot day than sipping frosty beers 'dehors' and people watching.

Dying to be wild

4. Motorized Scooters

I'm starting to think that once you reach a certain age in the Quebec, the government subsidizes these things for you because they are EVERYWHERE. A couple weeks ago, as I sat on my balcony pondering great things (like what do gay owls have sex with, seeing as owls don't have buttholes? Valid question) I saw a lady on a motorized scooter pulling her daughter (who just happened to be in a wheelchair herself) down the street amid rips of glee. I had to pinch myself. People roar around the city in these things, even though Montreal is probably the least wheelchair accessible city in Canada. I've witnessed motorized scooter traffic jams on sidewalks, where one geezer was beeping at an obese person in his own contraption who was three-point u-turning on a busy pedestrian lane. On a daily basis, I see old dudes with cryptkeeper hair burning down streets about 3/4 the speed of cars, traveling at an unreal velocity so it looks like their brakes were ripped out. I once got into a game of chicken with a guy on a scooter as I tried to cross the street. He swore at me. He was wearing goggles. It makes for great fun.

Former bar owner reminiscing over his past life... (Soon you will understand.)

3. Dudes with ponytails

This stereotype is true about Quebecois. Lots of dudes rock the ponytail. I used to tell this saga whilst sitting in bars here during the playoffs: the owner of each drinking establishment was determined by the length of a man's ponytail. A guy with a long tail would walk in and if it was longer than the current owner's, then he'd take over. And that would continue until a stranger with an ass-tail wandered in like Sergio Leone's 'Man with No Name' and took over the show. I think that would be a great way to determine a lot of things, like who becomes our next Prime Minister. (Note: There are a fair share of phony-tails out there too - ie. dudes who are bald up top, but let it buck out back. Anything say douche more than a phony-tail?)

Is there a person in there? Because if there is, I can't talk...

2. People talking to themselves

This is something I noticed right away, and again, I might be seeing this more than normal because of where I'm living, but damn if Montrealers don't talk to themselves a lot. I'll be sitting in a cafe and the person beside me will be having a full-fledged convo. I won't think anything of it until I look over after they something especially provocative (or incomprehensible) and then I'll sit a while longer when I realize that person is on their own. People mumble at traffic lights, smoke cigarettes while walking and talking and working things out. They murmur and then speak up as a cop car passes. When the Patch came down to visit in November, at two consecutive restaurants, a chatty Cathy decided to sit down near us and we couldn't tell if they were trying to talk to us or anyone else, but they talked the entire time. it was entertaining at first, then oft-putting, then entertaining again. I don't know why that is.

Celebrating her entrance into the new millenium. Welcome to the year 2000!!!

1. Rollerbladers

Yep. Fruit-booters. It's like stepping back into a time warp the way the people of this city take to the streets with zeal on their inline skates. I saw a woman pushing her child's stroller with rollerblades on. She zig-zagged up the sidewalk with her headphones on. Attached to a Walk-Man? I can only hope. She would get to a corner and swing the stroller onto the adjacent street and I held my breath, hoping the baby wouldn't get smashed. It didn't of course. There are people who get all gweeded up in elaborate spandex suites and then hit the streets shirtless with headphones and waterbottles and, yes, ponytails and prowl on people. I love it. I think it's exceptional. Near my place there is a sign that has a 'No Rollerblading' logo. Where do you see that? These signs aren't meant to deter professional or trick skaters. No, it's for the average Joe or Jill.

Top 10 List: Worst Tall Guys (courtesy of Patch O'Hoolihan)

As advertised. The list speaks for itself. If you know Patch, this will make sense. Maybe too much.

If you don't know Patch, then here is a brief introduction.

While he is an all-around great, gregarious and generous guy who is probably my best pal on the planet, the Patch harbours a deep-seated resentment toward tall people - particularly tall dudes. He feels they get things easier than do short people. They don't have to work as hard. I couldn't honestly tell you whether I feel that's true or not because I'm about average height and I've never felt like I was being looked down at (literally) by somebody.

But the Patch doesn't like his tall folk. He frowns upon them as quickly as he is to side with anyone shorter than average. For instance, if we sat down to watch a hockey or basketball game, I'll know within seconds who Patch's favourite player is: it will be the most undersized person on the court. I'll laugh when he tells me this ten minutes later. He won't even realize why he is cheering for the person until I point out the person's size. How else do you explain his 2000 man-crush on Mike Comrie? The dude was a huge (wrong word choice) douche. (Comrie, not Patch.)

Also, Patch has turned down a date from a gorgeous friend of ours who is now modeling somewhere, based on the fact that she was a few inches taller than him. As well, I have heard him utter the phrase, "I'd get as many girls if I was as tall as you," to a mutual friend. (In Patch's defense, he was really drunk and a teenager at the time of that statement.)

In a nutshell, this guy knows his tall people. So when we were out at a concert a few months back and a tall guy shuffled in front of our lines of sight, we thought who better to compile a list of the world's worst tall guys than the Patch.

Maybe you this will be therapeutic and help heal you like thermic water. Or maybe this will cause you to see the world from a whole new perspective you've never had before. (Just pretend your eyes were at your armpits.)

Without further ado...

Honourable mentions (not included because they were kind of weird and revealed a bit too much about Patch's psychology to be found humorous -- until they were included in the honourable mentions section because, now knowing the reason why they weren't included on the list, they become funnier than some of the inclusions on the list): 'The Not-so-Tall Guy that thinks he is so much taller than me and even cuts me down about being short when, in reality, he is just barely taller than me but feels insecure about his height so he has to take it out on somebody;' 'The Tall Guy that has better rhythm than me;' and 'The Tall Hot Girl that likes me but makes me feel like a kid when I am with her.'

And onto the list...

10. The Tall Asian Guy

This is the trend-bucking fellow from the world's most populated -- and historically height-challenged -- continent.

Patch says: "Man, aren't they genetically shorter?"

9. The Tall Guy in front

This is the universally annoying tall guy who actually inspired this list during an RJD2 concert. A tall guy with an a-fraux shuffled in front of us right before the show was set to begin. We had to crane our necks around his messy, Sideshow Bob doo for the duration of the show. This guy is a pest at the movies too (and doesn't he always show up just as the flick is about to start?) The tall guy in front gets extra points if he has a hat or a big hairdo.

Patch says: "Get a haircut."

8. The Tall Guy that writes demeaning songs about short people

I came home once to find Patch at my kitchen table watching this video.

He was incredulous. He wanted to call a hate crimes organization. I don't blame him.

Patch says: ".... (something mumbled into his beer)..."

7. The Faux Hollywood Tall Guy

This is the short guy who is made to look tall in movies. Have you ever noticed that any picture you see of an A-list celebrity that isn't a production still reveals that person to be a functioning midgets? There is something more subliminal than a few dozen individual egos at work here: Hollywood is perpetuating the belief that tall is optimal, while short is something to be disguised.

Patch says: "I wish I could always be filmed from below."

6. The Tall Guy who does Short-Guy stuff better than Short Guys

This can be seen in baseball, football, soccer or hockey, where short guys who were once more agile and deceptive than their lankier and taller counterparts are slowly being replaced by coordinated giants. See Peter Crouch.

Patch says: "You've got this tall guy paving the way for other tall people to dominate."

5. The One-Move One-on-One Basketball Tall Guy

This is the tall guy with limited basketball ability, who perseveres against his shorter opponent based on one back in move. He is able to heave up brick after brick until he clunks one in, while his hapless rival jumps in vain to get his hand on just one rebound.

Patch says: "That's a foul."

4. The Tall Guy "who weighs less than me"

This Tall Guy is a personal foe of Patch's.

Patch says: nothing (putting down cheeseburger.)

3. The Tall Guy with a short girlfriend

This is the tall guy who can pick and choose whoever he wants but is a firm believer in the 'big things come in small packages' proverb. Short guys, on the other hand, don't have this option generally, which makes the tall guy's choice that much more unbearable, since it plucks out one more short fish from the sea. Just another slight against the little man.

Patch says: "Short girls were created to make short men feel more manly, not tall man double manly."

2. The Tall for Nothing guy

This it the 6'5" guy who inhabits the World of Warcraft, who builds model airplanes and does "other nerdy things," which Patch describes as computer stuff and baking. This tall guy does absolutely nothing to use his Flying Spaghetti Monster-given tallness as an athletic advantage.

Patch says: (from an actual, late-night email in 2006, where there was no prior mention of tall people at all) "I hate tall dudes who like computers and not sports."

1. The Backfire Tall Guy

Basically, this tall guy is the cautionary, karmic tale. It's the tall guy who was short once upon a time and everyone used to pick on him about being vertically-challenged until that pube-fueled growth spurt. He winds up being a head taller than the rest. He is pretty much the ultimate kick in the nuts to short people.

Patch says: "..muu... (gurgle).. burp..."

Botoxed balls: Staying young manifesto

I turned 25 last week. I was kind of busy, distracted, sleeping and unable to wallow in my own wrinkle-addled misery.

But now I'm on a couch, watching baseball, scratching my bag, feeling every bit the geezer.

I've probably played through a third of my life. That might be optimistic because I really don't want to live much older than 70, in all honesty. I don't see it being much fun. Although, I could see myself getting used to the yawn filled days, chalked full of eating, sitting, laying, and crossword tinkering...

25 is a whole new ballgame. If I was a library book, I'd be taken out of the kids section and filed under young adult. All my really, really dumb mistakes should be behind me -- no more public urination for public urination's sake.

I need to start thinking about the future, about setting some goals, getting my priorities straight.

I need to start zeroing in on an answer to the question the wise scribe yelled to the chubby kid in that Twisted Sister video: "what are you gonna do with yer life?"

There are things I need to leave in my pre-25 days, in order to move ahead with these serious matters.

But not everything, or else adulthood would be unbearable.

So what I've decided to do, in maybe a desperate stab at staying cool, is to jot down a list of activities that I will refuse to give up as my hair falls out, my eyes dry and scab over, curlies grow from my ears and my breath gets gnarlier.

And who doesn't love a good list?

As I degenerate into middle agedom, I will not stop:

- watching cartoons

- concocting horribly corny nicknames for people

- placing straws, pencils, pens or whatever narrow, cylindric detritus I have at my disposal, down someone's exposed plumber's crack

- doodling when I have to sit through something eye-pokingly boring

- air guitaring in bed, with my headphones blaring, pretending I'm playing in front of a stadium full of bra-throwing fans

- searching for the sublime poop joke floating out there somewhere in the universe, and dreaming up evermore elaborate and delicious poop analogies

- listening to hip-hop

- trying to be punny (it may actually get worse with age)

- diving for flyballs on a grass ball field

- appreciating the simple brilliance of a greasy grilled processed-cheese sandwich, chicken fingers or any dippable food item

- laugh when someone gets canned in the nards or when something embarrassing happens to a person wearing a suit

- playing with my dingee

- getting down on the floor to play with legos when they're around

that's about all I've got for now...

Herbiberous