As advertised. The list speaks for itself. If you know Patch, this will make sense. Maybe too much.
If you don't know Patch, then here is a brief introduction.
While he is an all-around great, gregarious and generous guy who is probably my best pal on the planet, the Patch harbours a deep-seated resentment toward tall people - particularly tall dudes. He feels they get things easier than do short people. They don't have to work as hard. I couldn't honestly tell you whether I feel that's true or not because I'm about average height and I've never felt like I was being looked down at (literally) by somebody.
But the Patch doesn't like his tall folk. He frowns upon them as quickly as he is to side with anyone shorter than average. For instance, if we sat down to watch a hockey or basketball game, I'll know within seconds who Patch's favourite player is: it will be the most undersized person on the court. I'll laugh when he tells me this ten minutes later. He won't even realize why he is cheering for the person until I point out the person's size. How else do you explain his 2000 man-crush on Mike Comrie? The dude was a huge (wrong word choice) douche. (Comrie, not Patch.)
Also, Patch has turned down a date from a gorgeous friend of ours who is now modeling somewhere, based on the fact that she was a few inches taller than him. As well, I have heard him utter the phrase, "I'd get as many girls if I was as tall as you," to a mutual friend. (In Patch's defense, he was really drunk and a teenager at the time of that statement.)
In a nutshell, this guy knows his tall people. So when we were out at a concert a few months back and a tall guy shuffled in front of our lines of sight, we thought who better to compile a list of the world's worst tall guys than the Patch.
Maybe you this will be therapeutic and help heal you like thermic water. Or maybe this will cause you to see the world from a whole new perspective you've never had before. (Just pretend your eyes were at your armpits.)
Without further ado...
Honourable mentions (not included because they were kind of weird and revealed a bit too much about Patch's psychology to be found humorous -- until they were included in the honourable mentions section because, now knowing the reason why they weren't included on the list, they become funnier than some of the inclusions on the list): 'The Not-so-Tall Guy that thinks he is so much taller than me and even cuts me down about being short when, in reality, he is just barely taller than me but feels insecure about his height so he has to take it out on somebody;' 'The Tall Guy that has better rhythm than me;' and 'The Tall Hot Girl that likes me but makes me feel like a kid when I am with her.'
And onto the list...
10. The Tall Asian Guy
This is the trend-bucking fellow from the world's most populated -- and historically height-challenged -- continent.
Patch says: "Man, aren't they genetically shorter?"
9. The Tall Guy in front
This is the universally annoying tall guy who actually inspired this list during an RJD2 concert. A tall guy with an a-fraux shuffled in front of us right before the show was set to begin. We had to crane our necks around his messy, Sideshow Bob doo for the duration of the show. This guy is a pest at the movies too (and doesn't he always show up just as the flick is about to start?) The tall guy in front gets extra points if he has a hat or a big hairdo.
Patch says: "Get a haircut."
8. The Tall Guy that writes demeaning songs about short people
I came home once to find Patch at my kitchen table watching this video.
He was incredulous. He wanted to call a hate crimes organization. I don't blame him.
Patch says: ".... (something mumbled into his beer)..."
7. The Faux Hollywood Tall Guy
This is the short guy who is made to look tall in movies. Have you ever noticed that any picture you see of an A-list celebrity that isn't a production still reveals that person to be a functioning midgets? There is something more subliminal than a few dozen individual egos at work here: Hollywood is perpetuating the belief that tall is optimal, while short is something to be disguised.
Patch says: "I wish I could always be filmed from below."
6. The Tall Guy who does Short-Guy stuff better than Short Guys
This can be seen in baseball, football, soccer or hockey, where short guys who were once more agile and deceptive than their lankier and taller counterparts are slowly being replaced by coordinated giants. See Peter Crouch.
Patch says: "You've got this tall guy paving the way for other tall people to dominate."
5. The One-Move One-on-One Basketball Tall Guy
This is the tall guy with limited basketball ability, who perseveres against his shorter opponent based on one back in move. He is able to heave up brick after brick until he clunks one in, while his hapless rival jumps in vain to get his hand on just one rebound.
Patch says: "That's a foul."
4. The Tall Guy "who weighs less than me"
This Tall Guy is a personal foe of Patch's.
Patch says: nothing (putting down cheeseburger.)
3. The Tall Guy with a short girlfriend
This is the tall guy who can pick and choose whoever he wants but is a firm believer in the 'big things come in small packages' proverb. Short guys, on the other hand, don't have this option generally, which makes the tall guy's choice that much more unbearable, since it plucks out one more short fish from the sea. Just another slight against the little man.
Patch says: "Short girls were created to make short men feel more manly, not tall man double manly."
2. The Tall for Nothing guy
This it the 6'5" guy who inhabits the World of Warcraft, who builds model airplanes and does "other nerdy things," which Patch describes as computer stuff and baking. This tall guy does absolutely nothing to use his Flying Spaghetti Monster-given tallness as an athletic advantage.
Patch says: (from an actual, late-night email in 2006, where there was no prior mention of tall people at all) "I hate tall dudes who like computers and not sports."
1. The Backfire Tall Guy
Basically, this tall guy is the cautionary, karmic tale. It's the tall guy who was short once upon a time and everyone used to pick on him about being vertically-challenged until that pube-fueled growth spurt. He winds up being a head taller than the rest. He is pretty much the ultimate kick in the nuts to short people.
Patch says: "..muu... (gurgle).. burp..."
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