Botoxed balls: Staying young manifesto

I turned 25 last week. I was kind of busy, distracted, sleeping and unable to wallow in my own wrinkle-addled misery.

But now I'm on a couch, watching baseball, scratching my bag, feeling every bit the geezer.

I've probably played through a third of my life. That might be optimistic because I really don't want to live much older than 70, in all honesty. I don't see it being much fun. Although, I could see myself getting used to the yawn filled days, chalked full of eating, sitting, laying, and crossword tinkering...

25 is a whole new ballgame. If I was a library book, I'd be taken out of the kids section and filed under young adult. All my really, really dumb mistakes should be behind me -- no more public urination for public urination's sake.

I need to start thinking about the future, about setting some goals, getting my priorities straight.

I need to start zeroing in on an answer to the question the wise scribe yelled to the chubby kid in that Twisted Sister video: "what are you gonna do with yer life?"

There are things I need to leave in my pre-25 days, in order to move ahead with these serious matters.

But not everything, or else adulthood would be unbearable.

So what I've decided to do, in maybe a desperate stab at staying cool, is to jot down a list of activities that I will refuse to give up as my hair falls out, my eyes dry and scab over, curlies grow from my ears and my breath gets gnarlier.

And who doesn't love a good list?

As I degenerate into middle agedom, I will not stop:

- watching cartoons

- concocting horribly corny nicknames for people

- placing straws, pencils, pens or whatever narrow, cylindric detritus I have at my disposal, down someone's exposed plumber's crack

- doodling when I have to sit through something eye-pokingly boring

- air guitaring in bed, with my headphones blaring, pretending I'm playing in front of a stadium full of bra-throwing fans

- searching for the sublime poop joke floating out there somewhere in the universe, and dreaming up evermore elaborate and delicious poop analogies

- listening to hip-hop

- trying to be punny (it may actually get worse with age)

- diving for flyballs on a grass ball field

- appreciating the simple brilliance of a greasy grilled processed-cheese sandwich, chicken fingers or any dippable food item

- laugh when someone gets canned in the nards or when something embarrassing happens to a person wearing a suit

- playing with my dingee

- getting down on the floor to play with legos when they're around

that's about all I've got for now...

Herbiberous