Top 10 List: Things you see in Montreal far more than you would anywhere else

Since that Worst Tall guy list was so much fun to compile, I figured I'd do the same for Montreal and list the top ten things I've seen in abundance here that I haven't in most any other cities in Canada or the States.

I opted away from listing Habs fans, festivals, poutine, people wearing ridiculous clothes or sporting goofy haircuts and French-speakers here obviously, because obviously those were obvious picks.

(Note: This list changed after a visit to Vancouver, where I noted that there are dirty, soulless hipsters in abundance there too.)

Explosions in the Sky that don't make you fall asleep...

10. Fireworks

There are stretches of time where I'll see them whenever I poke my head outside. Summer. Winter. It doesn't matter. I'll walk out of a Depanneur, hear an explosion, duck my head and step back, then crane my neck to see it was fireworks. This place is batty for fireworks. During celebrations on St. Catherine after the Game 7 win vs. the Pens, people were letting off fireworks on the street every few minutes.

Cig smoke: Montrealer for fresh air

9. Cigarette smoking

Efforts to curb smoking seem to be working elsewhere on the continent, but I've never seen people enjoy smoking as much as they do here. It's almost like it's survived as a cultural practice. It's a post-dinner ritual in my apartment. Everyone will get up and walk to the balcony and light up cigs and I just sit at the table alone. When I walk to work in the morning, the front-door of every single government building, without exception, is teeming with folks inhaling their 10 a.m. breaks.

The gangster ponytail?

8. White dudes with doo-rags

I don't really know how to explain this one (and this may be the area that I live in, which is pretty sketch) but I've never seen so many white dudes wearing doo-rags. I always wanted to know what happens to these white gangsters when they grow up. Do they keep dressing like gangsters? Or do they go white trash or biker?

Girl you look good/ You better back that bun up

7. Hot dogs

I've gone entire days here on just hot dogs. You go to some bars and that's all they serve. They're called 'ot dogs' here. I tried asking for a 'chien chaud' once and my roommate corrected me immediately. He was embarrassed for me.

Kryptonite or Coors Light?

6. CHEAP BEER

Unfortunately for the rest of the world, the fact that you can get a pint of beer from between $3.50 to $5 in most pubs and bars in Montreal is unique. I'm not complaining. The Happy Hour (or 5 a 7) deals are stellar. (My liver is emitting twinges of pain.) You can get a pitcher of beer at some spots for $6. My buddy Jimmy Quinn is the go-to on this one. He's like an iPhone app: you ask him where we should go and he'll list off 10 pubs within walking distance and what the prices and specials are at each spot that night. It's beautiful to see in person. Probably like watching a ballet or something.

Montreal patios now com in two flavours: with or without-douche.

5. Patios

For a guy who once wrote a story in his local newspaper lamenting the lack of patios, the outdoor lounging scene in Montreal is beyond comprehensible. It's downright baffoonery. In fact, it's legendary. Nearly every pub or eating establishment has some sort of outdoor 'terasse,' and if they don't, then they have windows that slide away. It's money for weeks like we had late last month, where the temperature was stuck between 25 and 32. I will go to the crematorium believing that there is nothing better to do on a boxer-soaking hot day than sipping frosty beers 'dehors' and people watching.

Dying to be wild

4. Motorized Scooters

I'm starting to think that once you reach a certain age in the Quebec, the government subsidizes these things for you because they are EVERYWHERE. A couple weeks ago, as I sat on my balcony pondering great things (like what do gay owls have sex with, seeing as owls don't have buttholes? Valid question) I saw a lady on a motorized scooter pulling her daughter (who just happened to be in a wheelchair herself) down the street amid rips of glee. I had to pinch myself. People roar around the city in these things, even though Montreal is probably the least wheelchair accessible city in Canada. I've witnessed motorized scooter traffic jams on sidewalks, where one geezer was beeping at an obese person in his own contraption who was three-point u-turning on a busy pedestrian lane. On a daily basis, I see old dudes with cryptkeeper hair burning down streets about 3/4 the speed of cars, traveling at an unreal velocity so it looks like their brakes were ripped out. I once got into a game of chicken with a guy on a scooter as I tried to cross the street. He swore at me. He was wearing goggles. It makes for great fun.

Former bar owner reminiscing over his past life... (Soon you will understand.)

3. Dudes with ponytails

This stereotype is true about Quebecois. Lots of dudes rock the ponytail. I used to tell this saga whilst sitting in bars here during the playoffs: the owner of each drinking establishment was determined by the length of a man's ponytail. A guy with a long tail would walk in and if it was longer than the current owner's, then he'd take over. And that would continue until a stranger with an ass-tail wandered in like Sergio Leone's 'Man with No Name' and took over the show. I think that would be a great way to determine a lot of things, like who becomes our next Prime Minister. (Note: There are a fair share of phony-tails out there too - ie. dudes who are bald up top, but let it buck out back. Anything say douche more than a phony-tail?)

Is there a person in there? Because if there is, I can't talk...

2. People talking to themselves

This is something I noticed right away, and again, I might be seeing this more than normal because of where I'm living, but damn if Montrealers don't talk to themselves a lot. I'll be sitting in a cafe and the person beside me will be having a full-fledged convo. I won't think anything of it until I look over after they something especially provocative (or incomprehensible) and then I'll sit a while longer when I realize that person is on their own. People mumble at traffic lights, smoke cigarettes while walking and talking and working things out. They murmur and then speak up as a cop car passes. When the Patch came down to visit in November, at two consecutive restaurants, a chatty Cathy decided to sit down near us and we couldn't tell if they were trying to talk to us or anyone else, but they talked the entire time. it was entertaining at first, then oft-putting, then entertaining again. I don't know why that is.

Celebrating her entrance into the new millenium. Welcome to the year 2000!!!

1. Rollerbladers

Yep. Fruit-booters. It's like stepping back into a time warp the way the people of this city take to the streets with zeal on their inline skates. I saw a woman pushing her child's stroller with rollerblades on. She zig-zagged up the sidewalk with her headphones on. Attached to a Walk-Man? I can only hope. She would get to a corner and swing the stroller onto the adjacent street and I held my breath, hoping the baby wouldn't get smashed. It didn't of course. There are people who get all gweeded up in elaborate spandex suites and then hit the streets shirtless with headphones and waterbottles and, yes, ponytails and prowl on people. I love it. I think it's exceptional. Near my place there is a sign that has a 'No Rollerblading' logo. Where do you see that? These signs aren't meant to deter professional or trick skaters. No, it's for the average Joe or Jill.