Oil Can's All-Stars: #2

With no one from any government agency feeling any kind of responsibility to return my calls, I will turn my attention away from those douchers, to something far, far more important.

After hitting the Can up on his pager (yes, he still rocks the SkyTel pager), he tells me it's cool to release the second name on his illustrious, grotesquely grandiose scroll of famed-named all-stars...

...and so with no further ado....

COOL PAPA BELL!!!!!!

Cool Papa Bell is so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark!

Cool Papa Bell was a Negro League centrefielder from 1922 - 1946. Cool Papa is widely considered one of the greatest and FASTEST players to never put on a Major League Baseball uniform (he was literally a cool papa at 43, when Jackie Robinson broke the colour barrier and played his first game with the Dodgers in 1947).

Honsetly, eh? Like how brutal were people 70 years ago?

Pitching great (and master quotesmith) Satchel Paige described Bell's speed:

"If Cool Papa had known about colleges or if colleges had known about Cool Papa, Jesse Owens would have looked like he was walking."

- or -

"He's so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark."

For stats nerds, like me, it's hard to judge Bell's career against others, since statistics from the leauges were sparsely kept and much of Negro Leauge history was preserved through stories and anecdotes. Either way, Cool Papa Bell was named the 66th greatest player in baseball history by the Sporting News, one of five Negro League players on the list of 100.

If he's the 66th greatest ballplayer of all-time, he's got the #1 nickname of all time. How cool is 'Cool Papa?' I dare you to give me a better one... Dare you... Impossible... I hope, when I'm a crumpled old geezer, with puffs of grey hair whisping around my ears, my grandkids will call me Cool Papa. I think that would be the greatest compliment I could ever be paid. A tear would run down mine eye, and over my massive, rosacea-ravaged, bulbous nose.