jungin malaria

All my people,

Malaria.

A blood borne disease that is the result of a microscopic parasite transmitted by the bite of an infected mosquito. It stays in your blood stream, can remain dormant for extended periods of time and recurringly strike when you least expect it.

Ed has a buddy who got Malaria in Africa a few years ago and apparently, once a year he gets sick as hell and has to miss weeks of work at a time to deal with it. Redman said it best when he said, "I ain't havin that."

This bitch kills millions of people every year and is on the list of diseases that the planet is trying the hardest to eradicate. Along with jungle fever, and road rage.

Anyways, its all over India and thats where we're heading in like 2 hours. So I've been taking Malaria pills once a day for the last 3 weeks in preparation of a mosquito bite that may or may not occur.

When I spoke to my doctor before leaving I told him I wanted one of the easier drugs on my system since I was going to be trying hard to try smoking opium while I was in Asia. He completely stopped what he was doing and says with a straight face "are you serious?" I said "nah, ha ha uhh haha uhhh why? Would that be bad?"

"I can't advocate that as a physician, the smoking of anything is bads for your lungs."

I asked "but say I was to theoretically spend the next 5 weeks in an opium den in Bangkok, I need the Malaria medication that is going to be most friendly to my system." Of course, I said all this with a smile hoping that he would realize I was joking. He obviously didn't get the joke. Him and my mother should hang out.

So he told me that there is one drug Mefloquine which is popular cause its cheap and only has to be taken once a week. I told him done and done. Of course he read me the side effects which are completely insane so I opted for another drug as deoxycycline is less effective in India also.

Seriously, google Mefloquine side effects. Morgan, Levi, Levis woman, Predator, everyone I talked to said it made them so sketched out they stopped taking it completely. Well they weren't going to India where there are 1.6 billion people and if only 0.5% of them have Malaria thats, well shit, I told you about my math skills on the fly, its a ton of people and a ton of mosquitos who probably like the look of white boys.

As an aside, the portions here are so small I have to punch a new hole in my belt. The camo shorts are hangin low.

So Dicker walked into the Banff pharmacy as I was getting my $250 prescription of Malarone, he said "thats one expensive mosquito repellant." Dickerhead. When I told Predator I got Malarone he said "oh dude thats the worst one." Naturally I assumed he was just fuckin with me cause thats what I assume when the majority of my friends tell me things, as I'm sure they do when I tell them anything.

So about midway through Thailand (5 days on the pills) I started getting uneasy, a little anxious, and maybe even a bit depressed which is insane since I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been in the world. Tomorrow is country 35 and Ko Phi Phi, Thailand is at or very near the top of my list. So it meant the Malarone was working.

Good I guess.

Then the dreams started.

One of the side effects of most Malaria medication is intense vivid dream sequences. I never remembered my dreams ever. When I quit smoking a year ago, (Happy Birthday Bealer by the way, although theres no way he's reading this far, which might be better, he might be expecting a postcard or something) I started remembering my dreams but only for about 2 weeks then it was back to waking up still drunk or hungover but not remembering what happened after the bar, or what I had dreamt that night.

Well let me tell you folks, for those of you that haven't done Malarone before. I wouldn't say its as good as Salvia, I wouldn't say try it unless you're trying to ward of parasitic microbes, but I'll say this, holy fuckin hell is it making me partially insane.

My dreams are getting progressively weirder and weirder and weirder. I thought it was wierd (I knew it was i before e) the first time I woke up and said to Ed "dude, I had the wierdest dream last night." He basically finished the sentence with me so we started making notes. 

The first one I am recalling, I was in an old school world war 1 style airplane. You know the one from cartoons where the person is exposed to the outside and there is a dude behind him or some shit? So I'm flying this plane, and the plane is loaded with pallets of beer, and the beer cans are the ammo for this bizarre turret gun that I'm responsible for shooting, while I kid you not, a cartoon is flying. I don't know if it was a cartoon, or if I just couldn't see the pilot well or what, but I seem to think it was like Yogi Bear or one of them old school Hanna Barbera jerk offs piloting our bird.

So I gotta load the cannon, but for some reason instead of opening a zillion cans and dumping them out and mashing the can into the barrel I'm drinking every beer. So I'm opening the beer cans 6 at a time, and pouring the beer into my face and then loading the cannon. I'm having no problem drinking 6 beer at a time either. I remember we were shooting down planes and doing aerial stunts. I got my dick out pissin into a urnal built into the front of the seat of the plane cause I've drank like 12 flats of beer but I've gotta keep loading the cannon to shoot the enemy. Then I woke up.

Ed claims that night, he dreamt he went to a beach party that was surrounded by inflatable castle walls and to gain admission you had to practice your tattoo skills on some random dudes back. So Ed spent the night tattooing this guys back while watching the party rage on trying to get into the "club."

Another night I was at my mothers house in Nova Scotia, but it was completely different. Everything looked different, cabinets, furniture, everything. My sisters were there with me, and when I looked in the backyard there were thousands of cats in the backyard. I asked if they had been planting catnip back there, and immediately my sisters ran into the backyard with garden rakes and started screaming at them, shooing them away, THOUSANDS of cats. Then I woke up.

Since then I've woken up to music playing, and gotten out of bed to turn it off, and then woken up in bed to no music, and nothing around that could have been playing music. I've also woken up to turn off the tv, and as I'm turning it off woken up in bed in a hotel room with no tv.

Ed claims one night him and I were contestants on Iron Chef. He said that our opponents were trying to have us disqualified because I had run over a Howler Monkey and had brought it in to the tv studio and used it as a secret ingredient in one of our dishes. He said the crowd was in hysterics and was cheering for us but he woke up while the judges were deciding whether or not the monkey was a suitable ingredient.

I also rode a sled (snowmobile) off an enormous cliff with Pred, Bennett, Miniki and like 4 other people on it with me. Like the kind of cliff you die when you ride off. Jim Mullan and Ryan Sparks were mechanics at a body shop in North Alton, Nova Scotia who were remaking the entire body of my 4Runner, and Ian Peck was makin beats with Dr. Dre. Jims comment was, "Peck is seriously sick with the beats."

What the fuck is happening to me?

I'm fuckin dead serious about all this shit. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Malaria pills are making me insane. When I told a guy from Germany waiting for a visa about it today at the Indian Embassy in Singapore he said "you sure you not on some other drugs?" I said "no, why? you got any Valium?" He didn't laugh. Him and my mother should hang out.

I'm watching as a hundred Indian ladies in Sari's are heading toward the departure gate. Holy shit, I'm actually going to India, in like an hour. Thank god I'll be a complete raving lunatic when I land, the transformation will finally be complete.

I'm not sure why I felt this was something to tell you? 

My flight is boarding. Wish me luck.

Peace

Jung