fast five: or ocean's eleven for dummies

I just got home from Fast Five and I've got to say it was the most entertaining movie I've seen in a while, in that it was so gloriously and rapturously terrible.

Basically, every incarnation from the Fast and Furious franchise reunites for an Ocean's Eleven style caper to steal $100 million of drug kingpin money from the heart of a corrupted and heavily protected police headquarters in Rio de Janeiro.

The thing is, the plan to steal the money is atrocious (at one point, it involves getting one of the hot chicks to walk up to the kingpin and getting him to put his hand on her ass in order to get a handprint ID for a scanner replication later on) and the only thing more ridiculous is the fact that the gang abandons what they spend literally an hour of the movie doing to prepare for the heist to just wing it, video game cheat style by bursting though barricades and walls with an armoured truck.

It really was Ocean's Eleven for people with ADHD.

Vin Diesel and Co. also probably spent more than $100 million on cars, guns, warehouses, GPS-trackers, flights and a gigantic safe just to steal the $100 million.

In all, it was a beautiful, beautiful thing to behold.

And, thinking back, the only way the plot makes any sense is if you imagine that every time a scene ends or the camera cuts away from a character, they start doing crazy amounts of blow... I mean, Carlito's Way's David Kleinfeld type blow.

"Hey, we just stole four cop cars so that we can remain unnoticed... (SNIFF) but I bet you $1 million in money I don't yet have that I can beat you to the three of you to the next stop light."

"Hey, I'm the drug kingpin and Vin Diesel and his gang are being taken back to the US by the Rock and therefore they are now unable to steal my money... (SNIFF) but he burned $10 million of my money (by the way, I make $100 million a week) so I better ambush the FBI convoy and kill them and hope it doesn't somehow come back and wind up biting me in the ass."

"Hey, I'm Jordana Brewster's character and I'm pregnant... (SNIFF) and RAIL thin."

Honestly, I can't wait for the next edition.

Favourite lines:

The Rock, as the FBI Agent: "These guys are dangerous and for God's sake, don't let them drive cars."

Tyrese, after balking at the audacious plan and then hearing that the planned target is worth $100 million: "That's a lot of vaginal activity."

Vin Diesel, breaking up a fight between Paul Walker's character and a guy who looked like a cross between Zack Galifianakis and a UFC fighter: "Walk it off!"