Good afternoon, slinginlinguists. Hope you're having a great Monday? Is it Monday? I can't really tell. Feels awfully similar to yesterday.
Retirement is going well, my friends, although my tolerance for alcohol is increasing. I kind of anticipated that a little bit of partying would accompany my entrance into commitment-free life, and with it being summertime and with baseball tournaments abounding and all, that has really been the case. However, I do feel as if I need to curtail these activities and get down to some business of some kind. A new hobby? A comfier hammock? A darker tan? These are all serious questions that need to be addressed.
One question that I will attempt to answer right now though, is what is the point of slinginlingo?
So it was with delight that slinginlingo recently received an unsolicited proposal from one of its most devout -- and most critical -- readers, to post some of his travel stories and perhaps some random musings about life. Herbiberous obliged.
For those of you who reside or have spent any time in Calgary, the man needs no introduction. For those of you who don't know Jung -- aka TobasKO -- his name is known in questionable establishments across the globe, he has been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room, and he is the only non-plumber I know who has carried around a toilet plunger in the backseat of his car for months on end.
And because over at slinginlingo, we never claim to do more than just trying to push the boundaries of good taste, crack irrelevant jokes, compare the qualities of people and objects to fecal matter and to do our best to entertain, we thought what better way to take our readers into the heart of depravity than to share some of Jung's sagas with you to persuade/dissuade you from doing some of the things outlined in the tales.
Without any further ado...
Here are the stories Herb said he was reading about my travels through Asia. If you like them, maybe he'll let me post some of the other incessant ramblings that float through my head on a daily basis.
Cheers,
Jung
Ladies and gentlemen,
Where to start? How about I've been sweating non-stop since I landed in Thailand.
I left Calgary on 20 minutes of sleep and flew to Tokyo where we were quarantined on the plane for four hours while they checked for swine flu. I was the only white boy in sight, and the only one not wearing the stupid mask they gave us. I can't imagine swine flu could be any worse than the dysentery I got in Lebanon a few years ago.
Landed in Bangkok where I met up with Ed. For those who don't know Ed, he's quite an interesting character I met at university. He met me at the Bangkok airport wearing flip flops, a three piece suit he had tailored for him, drinking a 1 litre beer and holding up a huge sign that said DRUNK -- that was how I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I had a feeling this would be interesting.
I'm literally pouring sweat out of every pore in my body. The mercury is at 40 degrees right now and india was 48 yesterday. What am I doing?
For the record, all of those who said Bangkok sucks to me over and over, you're all idiots.
When in Rome? Well, when in Bangkok, we decided to do all the stuff you're supposed to. We went and saw a Muay Thai kickboxing fight, and after going backstage to meet the fighters I found a kid who looked like he'd slap the green off army fatigues. So I bet on him, and won! Then gave half the winnings to the Thai kid that did the translating and bet-placing for me after he informed me that they would have scammed me if I had placed the bet myself.
From there we had to go to the live sex show/ping-pong show where girls stick ping pong balls in their you know and then shoot them at random people in the audience. Then another one stuck a banana in her ya know, shot it out and caught it, just as some dude was walking in. She offered him the bannana and the poor bastard hadn't seen where its last resting place was and did what only an idiot would do -- he ate the damn thing. I nearly puked.
I left Calgary on 20 minutes of sleep and flew to Tokyo where we were quarantined on the plane for four hours while they checked for swine flu. I was the only white boy in sight, and the only one not wearing the stupid mask they gave us. I can't imagine swine flu could be any worse than the dysentery I got in Lebanon a few years ago.
Landed in Bangkok where I met up with Ed. For those who don't know Ed, he's quite an interesting character I met at university. He met me at the Bangkok airport wearing flip flops, a three piece suit he had tailored for him, drinking a 1 litre beer and holding up a huge sign that said DRUNK -- that was how I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I had a feeling this would be interesting.
I'm literally pouring sweat out of every pore in my body. The mercury is at 40 degrees right now and india was 48 yesterday. What am I doing?
For the record, all of those who said Bangkok sucks to me over and over, you're all idiots.
When in Rome? Well, when in Bangkok, we decided to do all the stuff you're supposed to. We went and saw a Muay Thai kickboxing fight, and after going backstage to meet the fighters I found a kid who looked like he'd slap the green off army fatigues. So I bet on him, and won! Then gave half the winnings to the Thai kid that did the translating and bet-placing for me after he informed me that they would have scammed me if I had placed the bet myself.
From there we had to go to the live sex show/ping-pong show where girls stick ping pong balls in their you know and then shoot them at random people in the audience. Then another one stuck a banana in her ya know, shot it out and caught it, just as some dude was walking in. She offered him the bannana and the poor bastard hadn't seen where its last resting place was and did what only an idiot would do -- he ate the damn thing. I nearly puked.
On our way to the ping pong show our cabbie wanted to show us another "club". Well this "club" was the biggest whorehouse you could imagine. It was lit up like Las Vegas! I couldn't believe it, there were about 75 women all wearing numbers, sitting behind glass and pointing to Ed and I, claiming we could have 5 at a time if we wanted. It was complete madness. Thank god we had a ping-pong show to go see and managed to get out of there before any stories I couldn't tell here happened. 5 at once? Not even Levi has stories like that.
My shirt is now off in the internet cafe and my shorts are soaked.
I proceeded to drink more alcohol than the human body should ever attempt to and barely woke up in time to catch our flight to Phuket. We are currently in Ko Phi Phi an hour ferry ride from the mainland which is where the Beach was filmed and it is beautiful. There are no roads, so it's all foot traffic and hot chicks galore. Google it, I'm serious, the tsunami crushed it but it's been rebuilt and it's amazing!
Had a Thai massage from a little girl who couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds and it feels like I was in a car accident. These little broads are crazy strong and know how to really kick the shit out of you.
We went Marlin fishing in a 20 foot "longtail" boat, but only caught bait fish before the seas got so choppy I thought we were gonna get tossed overboard. I wasn't scared but to say I was on the verge of fear wouldn't be a lie. If the seas had of risen another half inch we would have been fucked! With land barely in sight it would have been a long way to try and swim before drowning.
The h key is working intermittently now as sweat is dripping on the keyboard every time I reach for my beer.
We went rock climbing on a pretty gnarly overhanging limestone face with two girls from Denmark and Sweden, and I think its safe to say if I ever save enough money to afford to visit there, I'm gonna have to. As Ed had only slept for 2 hours the previous night and had a bottle of Red Bull for breakfast, he proceeded to puke at the crag and then got his ass handed to him by the little girl from Sweden as she flashed the route Ed fell on before begging to be lowered.
Went snorkeling, saw crazy fish and coral and then our guide dove down to show us a giant clam. He put his hand in it, and it started closing slowly then BAM, the thing bit his finger and blood was EVERYWHERE in the water. Old Rambo needed stitches to close the damn thing, but we were hours away so he wrapped part of a plastic bag around it after packing tobacco in the wound for the rest of the afternoon.
Then in an act of absolute vengeance he climbed back in the boat, told us he'd be back, and went back to get the clam. The damn thing was heavy as hell too -- it must have weighed 50 lbs. So him and the boat pilot fought the beast into the boat, and Rambo proceeded to gut it in front of us. One of the english girls puked off the side of the boat when he busted open the intestines and what looked like black ink was goin everywhere.
Ed took the night off as he was in rough shape from the previous night of boozing, and today I wish I had of stayed home too. They sell these things here called "buckets" they include a pint of whiskey, a bottle of red bull, and a can of pop. Like a complete idiot, I drank the better part of three of them, didn't puke, but this morning, I didn't need Tylenol, I needed a shotgun shell to deal with the hangover. You know the kind of hangover where you stand in the freezing cold shower for half an hour and pray that you slip and fall and die? That was me this morning.
We are never gonna be able to do all the stuff we're supposed to in the amount of time we have left.
There are probably a hundred tattoo shops on the island doing the traditional thai tattoo where they take a piece of bamboo and poke it in your skin by hand over and over. So we put on some serious heavy metal in the tattoo shop and Ed proceeded to get an enormous dragon that took 7 hours to complete. I got one too, not a dragon, but a big middle finger on my neck (kidding mom, relax) because it seemed like one of those, when will I ever be in thailand again moments. Amazingly it hurts way less than the gun tattoo does.
Well, we're off to Chang Mai to go see rice paddies and smoke opium (just kidding mom). For the rest of you, you know I'm not kidding, (just kidding).
Hope you aren't late for work in the morning... HAHA Sorry.
Til next time, may the sun be shining and the wind at your backs
Jung
My shirt is now off in the internet cafe and my shorts are soaked.
I proceeded to drink more alcohol than the human body should ever attempt to and barely woke up in time to catch our flight to Phuket. We are currently in Ko Phi Phi an hour ferry ride from the mainland which is where the Beach was filmed and it is beautiful. There are no roads, so it's all foot traffic and hot chicks galore. Google it, I'm serious, the tsunami crushed it but it's been rebuilt and it's amazing!
Had a Thai massage from a little girl who couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds and it feels like I was in a car accident. These little broads are crazy strong and know how to really kick the shit out of you.
We went Marlin fishing in a 20 foot "longtail" boat, but only caught bait fish before the seas got so choppy I thought we were gonna get tossed overboard. I wasn't scared but to say I was on the verge of fear wouldn't be a lie. If the seas had of risen another half inch we would have been fucked! With land barely in sight it would have been a long way to try and swim before drowning.
The h key is working intermittently now as sweat is dripping on the keyboard every time I reach for my beer.
We went rock climbing on a pretty gnarly overhanging limestone face with two girls from Denmark and Sweden, and I think its safe to say if I ever save enough money to afford to visit there, I'm gonna have to. As Ed had only slept for 2 hours the previous night and had a bottle of Red Bull for breakfast, he proceeded to puke at the crag and then got his ass handed to him by the little girl from Sweden as she flashed the route Ed fell on before begging to be lowered.
Went snorkeling, saw crazy fish and coral and then our guide dove down to show us a giant clam. He put his hand in it, and it started closing slowly then BAM, the thing bit his finger and blood was EVERYWHERE in the water. Old Rambo needed stitches to close the damn thing, but we were hours away so he wrapped part of a plastic bag around it after packing tobacco in the wound for the rest of the afternoon.
Then in an act of absolute vengeance he climbed back in the boat, told us he'd be back, and went back to get the clam. The damn thing was heavy as hell too -- it must have weighed 50 lbs. So him and the boat pilot fought the beast into the boat, and Rambo proceeded to gut it in front of us. One of the english girls puked off the side of the boat when he busted open the intestines and what looked like black ink was goin everywhere.
Ed took the night off as he was in rough shape from the previous night of boozing, and today I wish I had of stayed home too. They sell these things here called "buckets" they include a pint of whiskey, a bottle of red bull, and a can of pop. Like a complete idiot, I drank the better part of three of them, didn't puke, but this morning, I didn't need Tylenol, I needed a shotgun shell to deal with the hangover. You know the kind of hangover where you stand in the freezing cold shower for half an hour and pray that you slip and fall and die? That was me this morning.
We are never gonna be able to do all the stuff we're supposed to in the amount of time we have left.
There are probably a hundred tattoo shops on the island doing the traditional thai tattoo where they take a piece of bamboo and poke it in your skin by hand over and over. So we put on some serious heavy metal in the tattoo shop and Ed proceeded to get an enormous dragon that took 7 hours to complete. I got one too, not a dragon, but a big middle finger on my neck (kidding mom, relax) because it seemed like one of those, when will I ever be in thailand again moments. Amazingly it hurts way less than the gun tattoo does.
Well, we're off to Chang Mai to go see rice paddies and smoke opium (just kidding mom). For the rest of you, you know I'm not kidding, (just kidding).
Hope you aren't late for work in the morning... HAHA Sorry.
Til next time, may the sun be shining and the wind at your backs
Jung
1 comment:
BRing this guy back.
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