Jung is back

Boys and Girls,

I talked to my mother on the phone from the Bangkok airport on the way to Cambodia and I was informed that she didn't need to receive emails about her only son's sordid tales of Asian whorehouses and opium dens.

I'm not sure if she needs to just "suck it up" or if I'm a complete jerk-off for including her on the email list? After a few seconds thought, I agree with all of you reading this now.

We left the islands in Thailand and flew to Chang Mai, so Bealer I don't know what bus you're talking about. We've planned this trip so poorly and are trying to accomplish so much that we are forced to fly everywhere. Great for saving time. Not so great for saving money.

If Morgan can come back from Asia fat, then I'm gonna be able to come home broke. Both of which seem impossible to the average human.

In Chang Mai we decided to splurge on a 4-Star hotel. Splurging in SE Asia means it was $11 a night with breakfast and airport transfers included. After getting settled we decided to go gambling on more muay thai fights. Of course this time we got cleaned out by the locals who were lookin at the two white boys like we were food.

Prior to the fight we booked a car and driver to take us into the hills to see how the hill tribes live (read try and smoke opium). But at the fight this young kid named Terry told us he was a trekking guide and that he would organize for us to rent motorcycles for $5 a day and we could drive motorbikes up into the hills in search of the uhh tribes, yeah thats it, the tribes. He also promised some of the opium I'm chasing this entire trip.

He arrived on one motorbike at 9 am and thought Ed (who is about 6' 2" and 200 lbs) and I were going to fit on the bike with him. He was serious too. I laughed and told him to come back for me. While I waited I started really watching the motorbike traffic and I swear to god (Morgan will like that one) I saw a family of five on a scooter. Father driving, infant child in front of him, two kids behind him and mom bringing up the rear barely on the seat, as they maneuvered through the cities (pop: 1.3 million) insane traffic. Man did I feel like a pussy. I've since been told that seeing 6 people on a scooter is also quite common.

So we got bikes and drove for 6 hrs into the hills. For those who have been to Thailand you know that not only do they drive on the other side of the road than Canada, but they drive like complete lunatics with little regard for road rules or regulations. The term right of way also is not in their vocabulary. Ed lives in Australia and owns a motorcycle so he was stoked, I'm not gonna lie, I was scared as ****!

Plus, the helmet they gave me is made for little asian heads not my big fat assed head, so I had to roll for two days with no helmet. 

I think its good mom is off the email list.

So our guide Terry took us way into the hills as we passed rice paddies and cabbage fields he stopped and showed us buddhist shrines that were 600 yrs old I realized that I could quite easily move to a place like this and live forever quite happily.

The first village we stopped at we were greeted by about 15 women who were enthralled with our tattoos and who were wearing beautiful multicolored outfits. We were informed that once they were married they wore the colored ones and if they were single they wore white. If only life were that easy. Levi probably thinks its easier.

They immediately offered us food so we sat with them in their huts which were high on stilts devoid of any furniture save for a few mats which they slept on and ate fried pig skin, rice and some kind of cabbage soup that was kinda fucked up tasting and hotter than fire with chilis.

We were told by Terry we had to finish it all if we didn't want to offend them. If I ever eat a pound of fried pig skin again in my life, punch me in the face.

We walked up the hilll to a little "corner store" that one of the tribefolk operated and bought a few items as gifts for their hospitality and left them to trek further up the hill. Now when I say the hills, I'm talking BUSH, ladies and gentlemen. 



The "roads" we were driving on, were foot paths. The only way to get to the village we stayed the night in was by motorbike. Because Terry told us not many people are willing to drive a bike out of Chang Mai, let alone 6 hrs, we were the first people he had taken there in almost 6 months.

The village had 11 huts and 50 inhabitants. When I say primitive, I really need to emphasize it. This village was out of the dark ages. No electricity, no nothin, PRI-MI-TIVE!!

So we helped the women pound the husk off the rice, tried to shoot birds with the tribes elder who laughed as the fat white boys could barely operate the slingshot while he hit one of our empty beer cans from about 50 feet away, and helped prepare dinner.

While Ed and I played a game of crib we broke out the ipod and portable speakers, and all the kids in the village came and sat with us. It was an amazing experience as Terry told us the kids would have never heard any kind of western music before and might never again. We also pulled out the 40 of Johnny Walker scotch whiskey Ed brought along. 

When some people from the other huts came over to meet us, Terry asked if we wanted him to call another village and have them bring some beer? Stupid question.

As night fell we decided to move out from under the lean-to to try and continue the game under the full moon when we were told by SOOMPOOM the tribe leader, "don't worry, I bring candle."



Well in the hills of Thailand, a candle is long sticks of pine wood which are so saturated with natural sap they burn hot and bright, just like a candle. The little children ashed the "candles" for us and we had light to drink our piss warm beer and whiskey and water. Of course fat stupid white people are awesome and Ed burned the shit out of his hand trying to ash the candle, so we left it up to the three year old to keep us well lit.

We ate again late at night, this time, rice with beef which was cooked with chilis and lemon grass. We were informed you don't eat the chillis or the lemon grass so we did as we saw and dropped them through the bamboo slats of the floor because the villages pigs would eat them.

So we offered the tribe leader a drink of whiskey which he was more than happy to have. We then offered him another, and another and another, and before long, he was piss drunk and broke out a thai guitar sort of contraption with 7 strings and proceeded to play some really incredible music. Sure he was slurring the hell out of whatever he was singing, but he was happy, and so were we.

Terry our guide was also really happy because he said a lot of times tourists don't interact with the tribes people. If he takes large groups they have to go to closer villages and the white people stick to themselves. Our tribe leader spoke limited english but once he was good and sauced kept singing "no woman, no cry" over and over again. Bob Marley is in this guys mental playlist and he speaks 100 words of English and goes to town only once a month. So we listened to Bob and smoked some absolutely brutal Thai weed and drank our piss warm beer late into the night.

When I stumbled out of the hut to our sleeping quarters I could hear Ed singing some cowboy honkey tonk shit with the tribesman and figured it was a suitable time to call it a night.

In the morning, we bid adieu to our new friends. I left the strap for my camera case with the leader and he was thrilled as he would be able to use it as a strap for his gun which he uses to hunt flying squirrels. When I drop my camera in a river hanging off a boat somewhere I'm gonna ask someone to punch me in the face.

The drive back was intense to say the least, going up was crazy as hell, coming down was something else all together. At one point my foot slipped off the foot brake and since the hand brake didn't work for shit, I started really flying down this steep, rocky goat trail. I mean FLYING. I kept trying to hit the brake, but would miss or get it with my heel for a second enough to lock the back tire and send me sideways for a split second. Long story short I stopped, but not before I kicked a passing tree while doing mach 7 down the sherpa trail. Two days later my fuckin foot was so swollen I had to hobble like an invalid around one of the most beautiful places on the planet. I was forced to start taking random pain pills from the random pharmacy by the handful and washing them down with beer just to be able to walk.


Does any of this surprise you?

No fuckin opium either. I'm still determined that if I'm comin to the other side of the planet, I'm gonna try it. Not that I'm into drugs or anything, but it just seems like something I should do if I've flown 23 hrs and its been a part of asian culture for centuries

After we returned to Chang Mai and returned our bikes Terry wanted the equivalent of about 12 dollars for showing us the experience of a lifetime. So when we gave him about $75 he was ecstatic and we also told him if he wanted to show us around Chang Mai at night we'd buy him some beer.

Well if you've been to Thailand, you might have drank Chang beer. If you're going to Thailand, don't drink it. We pissed the night away crushing Chang like it had the antidote in it (word to Chris Rock). I bought tequila shots as usual and Terry passed out in the club. Well in the morning we had a flight to Cambodia to catch and for the life of me I barely managed to sit
up. After about 20 minutes of moaning and groaning I got my fat ass off the bed. I barely made it to the shower, and thank god there was no bathtub or toaster around, cause I'd have been Bill Murray in groundhog day. It was the weirdest hangover I've ever had. The room was kinda spinning, but it seemed like I was still dreaming or some shit. And a headache couldn't stand a chance against what I was dealing with. The cab ride was weird, trying to buy a ticket to Cambodia with a ticket agent who barely spoke english was surreal too.

At the airport we were informed that Chang might soon be outlawed in Thailand since its loaded with amphetamines. If i'd known that, I sure as hell wouldn't have even considered... I'll stop that lie before I even finish the sentence.

So we flew to Cambodia, and once again, we landed before I woke up with my seat and table tray in the upright position as my drunk ass passed out before take off again.

We landed with no entry Visa that we were apparently supposed to have. Thankfully it was all good as long as you have US dollars you're straight in this world.


Cambodia was pouring rain, and it was a wonderful respite from the crushing heat of Thailand.


I'll just say that the cabbie who picked us up, was one of the coolest guys I've ever met in all my travels, and the next three days were some I'll never forget for as long as I live (feel free to insert your gay joke here). But i'll leave that for another email as I'm sure 98% of you stopped reading a half hour ago.

I'll fill you in on Cambodia in the next email we were only there for 3 days enough to see Siem Reap and Pnomh Penh before we flew to Ho Chi Minh city (Saigon), Vietnam.

Its hot as hell here too, we've been here for only a few hours and I've already been asked by two different girls "you American? you want go boom boom?" So I told them "hell no, how dare you talk to me like that?" I told her I'm insulted that she would talk to a person like that, and in my country we feel we should lock people like her up. I told her that NO I was not American! But how much for a boom boom?

Kidding mom.

Love you all long time!

Jung