no dion, no cry

It's been a tough few weeks for Calgary Flames defensemen -- and sworn enemy of slinginlingo -- Dion Phaneuf.

First, he got chirped by mild-mannered Henrik Sedin, eating his words after he roughed up the Swede earlier in the game only to see the Twins and the rest of the Canucks light up his Flamers for five consecutive goals that night. Then, he was vilified -- and rightly so -- for a cheap hit on Anze Kopitar that, luckily, was less severe than it looked. Add to that, he suffered an arm injury against the Leafs on Saturday and his name is currently being whispered as trade bait in the Ilya Kovalchuck sweepstakes, and it would seem that things are pretty crappy over at Camp Dion (Note: if Phaneuf did run a kids' camp, it would probably be attended only by -- to quote the Simpsons here -- "emotionally crippled Mini-Hulks".

Dion as a middle-schooler. "Can I borrow a feeling?"

Well, I'm not going to pretend I don't enjoy kicking this guy while he's down, so I would be remiss if I didn't note how jubilant I was when Steve Yzerman and the rest of the Team Canada braintrust stayed away from the Phaneuf Kool-Aid and kept the most overrated player and gigantic defensive liability and brain-fart prone goofball off the team.

A wrathful tear welled up in mine eye.

For added comedy, a gruff looking Phaneuf -- making his "Blue Steel" Zoolander face -- is all over Nike's new TV spot "Force Fate," which features a number of Canadian Olympians. The company probably was under the impression that he was a lock for the Canadian Team. Mmmm, sweet, delicious, maple-syrup with sprinkles irony. Can you taste it? Tastes great, n'est pas?

Instead of being annoyed when the commercial airs 40 times during each Hockey Night in Canada game, it will just serve to remind me of Phaneuf's snub.

Quick Dion, what's 6 x 7? Nope, the answer is not steamroller. Sorry.

See, this is all that I need to be happy.

A while back, I once told somebody that I hated Phaneuf worse than I hated AIDS in Africa. Having mellowed a bit over the years, I can see that was a little a strong. Nowadays, if I had the choice to eradicate the world of Phaneuf or AIDS in Africa, I think I'd most likely choose AIDS in Africa. See, I'm maturing.

But yeah, it is great knowing that I won't have to feign support for Phaneuf come February. I'm sure it would have involved a lot of vomiting and drinking and cigarette burns on my arms. I swear, with Crosby and Pronger already on that team and with potentially a Phaneuf, I honestly would have found it hard to cheer for Canada in Vancouver.

So thanks, Stevie Y, for keeping the squad Phaneuf-free and for keeping me firmly behind Team Canada.

And Dion, like the hockey coach told Happy Gilmore at the end of the tryout: "Better luck next year."