poop musings

Statutory holidays are severely unproductive days.

Maybe that explains why my mind has wandered and stepped in poop. I will now attempt to scrape it off my brain.

I'll never forget something DA once told me: "Everyone takes shits, Herbie."

It's obvious. It's stupid. But it's so true. Everyone does.

Abraham Lincoln used his toilet time, maybe, to flush out the details of his Emancipation Proclamation.

"Can I get a little privacy, please? I need to get some work done."

Rene Descartes' original meditation was, "I stink. Therefore, I am."

The most revered and sacrilized figures in history have, at some time in their lives, fought through constipation and the runs. Call me weird, but I find that kind of comforting.

After the Last Supper, Jesus dropped the Last Crapper. Maybe he laughed when he accidentally let out a preemptive fart.

I mean, after chowing down a double Quarter Pounder meal, super sized, Queen Elizabeth II would make a run for it, on the crapper, pushing red-faced, white-knuckled, crafting a nice double-coiler, without pomp or circumstance.

A very relieved Queen, after just working through a three helping, meatloaf dinner...

It's humbling really.

And in honour of the subject, I'll make this post a two-parter...

Number Two (pun intended):
Is there any time in a human's life where he/she is more vulnerable than when dropping a deuce? You have to be completely relaxed...

With the exception of Raab Himself, humans can't run and poop at the same time, which leaves us prone to attack. I wonder how many brothers and sisters we've lost whilst dumping deuce --those brave souls who were either pounced on by tigers, or chomped by hippos, or mauled by bears (or for all you creationist crazies, bitten in half by T-Rex's) while pushing out turds?

You think I care that you're taking a dump? I'll eat your ass first! I do what I want!

Fortunately, most of us, at least in North America, can now poop, in a calm, four-walled environment.

And that's why I think the greatest advance we've made as a species, is now we can safely deposit our feces.

Interesting development:

I just spent the last four hours in an Entourage coma, and Ari pulled out a book called, you guessed it...

I need to read this book now, just to find out how an apple poops... Kudos on the shot of the horse's patooter, too.

Another one of those interesting coinkydinks.