mount douchemore

Mount Douchemore is my little baby.

Down in Rossland a couple weeks ago, me, Patch, Bearclaw and John spent what would be my last night in that paradise ski town, battling it out in front of a crib board, locked into two of the longest, most often interrupted games ever completed in the history of the sport... and then a third game that took an hour to never get started.

It was hilarity. Beerlarity, actually. John, a 55-year old Legionnaire (guy who frequents the Legion often?) who I dubbed the cribmaster general, was my partner and we took game one. Patch and the Claw took game two and that took about four hours.

Game three began, but Patch kept talking his way out of it, as me and John pegged out to a 11-0 lead. It was like our red crib pegs got of the blocks like Usain Bolt on a Ben Johnson supplement regiment and their blues were mired in quicksand. It was awesome, but Patch was claiming all sorts of shenanigans, pulling every piece of possible douchery out of his brain. He was being generally douchish and I said these actions had solidified his spot as the fourth head on Mount Douchemore.

Patch, not missing a beat, pressed me on who the other three were.

Being somewhat unsober... and deliriously tired... I mumbled out Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson and.... Robert Downey Jr.? (reformed douchebag?)

Anyways, I would like to take back my three douches -- Patch notwithstanding -- and resubmit my choices for the three other heads on Mount Douchemore.

And I would say Bill O'Reilly or Geraldo or someone like that but they're blowhards. And there's a big difference between a blowhard and douche.

I'm not going to explain what a douche is. You should just know. You should be able to look at someone -- or smell someone -- and immediately feel icky and that should tell you all you need to know.

(Note: Generally, as a rule, men are more likely to be douches than women. It's like a 10 to 1 thing. I would say Belinda Stronach was a douche for a while there, but her douche was cancelled out by Peter McKay's overpowering douchessness)

Douche #1:

Derek Jeter

I know Alex Rodriguez is probably the obvious pick here, but I'm gonna go with Jeter. The smarmy, overrated shortstop oozes arrogance. He is untouchable in the media, even though he selfishly kept the SS when Rodriguez came over even though he's a below-average fielder. He reads cliches like they're original. He's completely bought into his own legend, as this generation's New York Yankee hero, even though the Yankees epitomize everything that is wrong with sport and the world. Plus he gave herpes to Jessica Alba and I think anyone who gives someone herpes earns douche points. And he's dated a lot of women since...

Douche #2:

George W. Bush

Easy pick, I know, but in 8 days no one will care about him any more. He's a definite in the douche Hall of Fame.

Douche #3:

James Blunt

Now I had a historical douche, but it's been a long day and I completely forgot who it was going to be. So I'll go with someone that I'm sure no one will dispute. This is self-explanatory. You don't walk through the rain singing "you're Beau-ti-fa-oll." That video is pretty much a 3-minute documentary of douche. That's it. The guy just seems sleezy, like the kind of guy that would give someone herpes. Accents can definitely diminish or increase doucheness and in this case, it just multiplies his douche factor. He's a 140-pound douche in a 70-pound douchebag. I've always wanted to start a band just so I could call it "The James Blunt Beatdown."

Honourable douches:

Masari

Stephen Harper

Ronald McDonald

Jeffrey Skilling (of Enron infame)

What I really want though is your thoughts on who should be included with old Patchy boy on Mount Douchemore. I'll take submissions in the comment section here for a week or so and then if I get enough nominations, put up a poll or something and take some votes and then perhaps put together a nice little graphic... and that'll teach Patchy not to mess with that crib board.

And while we're at it, so we're not being sexist, let's name a Dutchess of Douche. I will humbly submit Sarah Palin.

Note: Just performed a quick google search and looks like my baby has been around the block already and it wasn't a Herbiberous original. Shoot!  I was two months too late. Oh well. We can still play this little game, eh? The site I stumbled across offered up Donald Trump, Tyra Banks and Kevin Federline. I can't argue with those...