Monday, January 12, 2009

mount douchemore

Mount Douchemore is my little baby.

Down in Rossland a couple weeks ago, me, Patch, Bearclaw and John spent what would be my last night in that paradise ski town, battling it out in front of a crib board, locked into two of the longest, most often interrupted games ever completed in the history of the sport... and then a third game that took an hour to never get started.

It was hilarity. Beerlarity, actually. John, a 55-year old Legionnaire (guy who frequents the Legion often?) who I dubbed the cribmaster general, was my partner and we took game one. Patch and the Claw took game two and that took about four hours.

Game three began, but Patch kept talking his way out of it, as me and John pegged out to a 11-0 lead. It was like our red crib pegs got of the blocks like Usain Bolt on a Ben Johnson supplement regiment and their blues were mired in quicksand. It was awesome, but Patch was claiming all sorts of shenanigans, pulling every piece of possible douchery out of his brain. He was being generally douchish and I said these actions had solidified his spot as the fourth head on Mount Douchemore.

Patch, not missing a beat, pressed me on who the other three were.

Being somewhat unsober... and deliriously tired... I mumbled out Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson and.... Robert Downey Jr.? (reformed douchebag?)

Anyways, I would like to take back my three douches -- Patch notwithstanding -- and resubmit my choices for the three other heads on Mount Douchemore.

And I would say Bill O'Reilly or Geraldo or someone like that but they're blowhards. And there's a big difference between a blowhard and douche.

I'm not going to explain what a douche is. You should just know. You should be able to look at someone -- or smell someone -- and immediately feel icky and that should tell you all you need to know.

(Note: Generally, as a rule, men are more likely to be douches than women. It's like a 10 to 1 thing. I would say Belinda Stronach was a douche for a while there, but her douche was cancelled out by Peter McKay's overpowering douchessness)

Douche #1:
Derek Jeter
I know Alex Rodriguez is probably the obvious pick here, but I'm gonna go with Jeter. The smarmy, overrated shortstop oozes arrogance. He is untouchable in the media, even though he selfishly kept the SS when Rodriguez came over even though he's a below-average fielder. He reads cliches like they're original. He's completely bought into his own legend, as this generation's New York Yankee hero, even though the Yankees epitomize everything that is wrong with sport and the world. Plus he gave herpes to Jessica Alba and I think anyone who gives someone herpes earns douche points. And he's dated a lot of women since...

Douche #2:
George W. Bush
Easy pick, I know, but in 8 days no one will care about him any more. He's a definite in the douche Hall of Fame.

Douche #3:
James Blunt
Now I had a historical douche, but it's been a long day and I completely forgot who it was going to be. So I'll go with someone that I'm sure no one will dispute. This is self-explanatory. You don't walk through the rain singing "you're Beau-ti-fa-oll." That video is pretty much a 3-minute documentary of douche. That's it. The guy just seems sleezy, like the kind of guy that would give someone herpes. Accents can definitely diminish or increase doucheness and in this case, it just multiplies his douche factor. He's a 140-pound douche in a 70-pound douchebag. I've always wanted to start a band just so I could call it "The James Blunt Beatdown."

Honourable douches:
Masari
Stephen Harper
Ronald McDonald
Jeffrey Skilling (of Enron infame)

What I really want though is your thoughts on who should be included with old Patchy boy on Mount Douchemore. I'll take submissions in the comment section here for a week or so and then if I get enough nominations, put up a poll or something and take some votes and then perhaps put together a nice little graphic... and that'll teach Patchy not to mess with that crib board.

And while we're at it, so we're not being sexist, let's name a Dutchess of Douche. I will humbly submit Sarah Palin.

Note: Just performed a quick google search and looks like my baby has been around the block already and it wasn't a Herbiberous original. Shoot!  I was two months too late. Oh well. We can still play this little game, eh? The site I stumbled across offered up Donald Trump, Tyra Banks and Kevin Federline. I can't argue with those...

12 comments:

Chris Windeyer said...

I nominate Isaiah Thomas.

I will also happily play drums in The James Blunt Beatdown.

Mongoose said...

Oh, I like this game. But it's so hard to keep it down to three. I nominate:

1) Stephen Harper. He's the all-singing all-dancing douche master.

2) French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Brings a level of personal turpitude unusual even in politics.

3) Emrah Bulatci. Even without the murder charges, that guy has "douche" written all over him.

As for the Dutchess of Douche, Tyra Banks is definitely a good candidate, but I'd like to see it go to Cece Hodgson-McCauley. In fact, I think we should carve hundreds of little heads of her all around the Top Three. One for every douchish column she's ever written.

Anonymous said...

If pacthy is up there for Crib, I nominate you for 99!! HAHA

Red Sox Jon said...

How about Roberto Luongo, biggest douche their is.

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, Tom Cruise anyone?

Also, anyone who has ever played for the Canucks including Bertuzzi

yeah Herb thats right, i said it

Unknown said...

1) dane cook - personification of the term.

2) howie mandel - especially post-head shaving.

3) kanye west - i don't care how groundbreaking his music was or still is, he radiates D-bag.

as for lady-D, courtney love. nuff said. bet you didn't see that one comin herb?

Anonymous said...

Firstly,I think Aziz Ahmed deserves a place on Mt Douchmore and I'll explain why.

He was once regarded as the teen heart-throb at SJF circa 1997-2000 (think Dustin Milligan in 90210). He had all the physical talent and metal talent to take him to the top, instead he beagn a life-long journey in drugs and debauchary.

Secondly, I going to have to vote for the very author of this blog Herb Mathieson.

He pretty much has the coolest name for ANYONE AGED ABOVE 80.

My third and final pick is Coach.

Oil Can Boyd said...

Beautiful douches up to this point, people...

but Haze, how could you?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/14/arts/television/14arts-HOWIEMANDELH_BRF.html

We need one of those We are the World celebrity get together prayer songs for Howie in his time of... whatever it is.

I can't believe I overlooked Tom Cruise, Dane Cook and Todd Bertuzzi... and Bulatci (although he seems more choch to me... but definitely meets douche criteria, despite his pending trial)

Kev, you're right. I do probably deserve to be on Mount Douchemore, based on 99.

Stu Wr... I mean, anonymous. No, I mean Stu. You can't nominate someone based on their name when you don't even provide yours, Stu... I mean, anonymous.

I nominate Chris Wallace, GM of the Memphis Grizzlies. Not only did he trade Pau Gasol to the Lake show for absolutely nothing, but he just stuck it to the Trailblazers (and their promising season) by taking on $9 million to their payroll the next two years just for shits and giggles.

http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/jan/11/grizzlies-pony-up-for-miles/?partner=RSS

and Red Sox Jon, I'll pretend I didn't hear that... Luongo's a greaseball. Not a douche. Phaneuf is a douche. MIKE KEENAN IS A DOUCHE BABY!

Unknown said...

"...was in Toronto filming his new show, 'Howie Do It'..."

Mongoose said...

Personally I think Robin Williams is a bigger douche than Dane Cook.

Anonymous said...

Dane cook is an ultra douche.

Google Dane cook Joke thief and see what comes up.

The guy is like the Bernie Madoff of the comedy world

Mongoose said...

Yeah but come on, Robin Williams? Here is how big a douche Robin Williams is: he was so determined to be Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies, he offered to do it for free, but he's SUCH a douche, they wouldn't hire him even for free. How much of a douche do you have to be before people won't even hire you FOR FREE?

Adam Sandler is a douche, too. Actually, lots of comedians are douches. They're like, clowns for grown-ups. As a kid we all thought clowns were douches. Then we grow up and we watch comedians instead of clowns, and they're still douches.

I just like saying "douche" a lot.