Good work on the nominations. I think we can make a case for each one of them.
Quick recap of the week:
I wrote a story about our Premier getting in a little on-ice dust-up and subsequently got beat up the next day for kind of being a douche and then got blindsided by angry letters for the rest of the day for that and other things. Rough damn day. Got a little solace from the fact that the Globe and Mail picked up on the story, called all the people I spoke to, and it made the CP rounds. A little solace.
Environment Canada had been predicting plus temperatures for the weekend and Monday, to which I said I'll believe it when I see it. I mean, if I did see rain in January in Yellowknife, I think I'd shave my head, get an Oak Tree tattooed on my forehead and become David Suzuki's foot-soldier. It's not going to happen though. They were calling for -5 today. It got up to -14. Fuck off, weather people.
Big thumbs up to the pilot of US Airways 1459. Those are the most apocalyptic pictures I've ever seen. I can't get over the fact that each one of those 150 people got on the plane, yawned, opened a book, waited to turn on their iPods, thought of how they were going to get to wherever they were going once they got to Charlotte or who was going to pick them up, picked their noses, closed their eyes, the plane took off, and then 5 minutes later they're standing on the sinking jet's wing in the Hudson River. And no one died.
Amazing.
Anyways, here are the nominations thus far to determine the three heads to share Mount Douchemore with the Patch Man:
Todd Bertuzzi (nearly murdered a guy, but more disgustingly joined the Calgary Flames)
James Blunt (sad sack, lame-o)
Emrah Bulatci (guilty until proven innocent under the douche law)
George W. Bush (star of Unilateral Damage)
Dane Cook (his parent's names were "Dou" and "Che"... put it together)
Tom Cruise (stole Katie Holmes from us)
Herb Mathisen (yep)
Stephen Harper (prime wienerster)
Derek Jeter (spreading herpes, one starlet at a time)
Howie Mandel (just shake hands, you knob)
Adam Sandler (what happened to you, Happy?)
Nicolas Sarkozy (leader of snoot)
Isaiah Thomas (NBA player legend/GM urban legend)
Chris Wallace (only other GM to give Isaiah run for money)
Kanye West (love lockdouche)
Robin Williams (definitely the hairiest person on the list. No offense, Bertuzzi)
Dutchess of Douche:
Tyra Banks
Courtney Love
Sarah Palin
Nominations will end Sunday night. I have included myself -- I was nominated twice -- because of various things I've done this week.
Omissions: Roberto Luongo because it was such a baseless attack against a miraculous human being by someone who is obviously smarting from having a certain, overpriced Finnish backstop clogging up cap space and ass space in the Saddledome's blue paint.
Over the line?
Aziz Ahmed and Coach because no one who reads this -- other than anonymous people -- will know who they are.
Cece Hodgson-McCauley because, although I don't want to seem biased, she writes a column for a paper that employs me.
Alright, we'll keep them coming people...
1 comment:
Oh, what a faux pas. I didn't know you worked for "Them".
Ok, I have two substitute nominees for Duchess of Douche.
1) Michaëlle Jean. Because she's Harper's puppet anyway, so if he's a douche, she's a douche. Plus we're not overpaying her to talk about herself. She can go on Oprah if she needs therapy.
1b) Come to think of it, Oprah's a douche too.
2) Colleen McCullough. She's a crap writer and she's the only novelist full enough of herself to add an appendix explaining how good her novel is. If that doesn't say "I'm a douche", I don't know what does.
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